Susanne's Boat Ride

The Dance of a New Relationship – January 26, 2012

2012-01-26T20:39:00.002-05:00

A few weeks after Craig’s second anniversary, I began a relationship with John Massey, a Baha’i in Tennessee who I had talked to on the phone for a few months after we met online. We met in Tennessee in August when I went there on business. He came up to Cleveland for a long weekend in September. I came down to Chattanooga in October, November, and December. Then we decided long distance was too difficult for getting to know one another, so I’m now down in Chattanooga for approximately 3 months in an apartment that the local Baha'is helped furnish and equip for me. We are getting lots of comments and questions about why we aren’t living together!

This is yet one more thing that I didn’t expect to be quite so difficult. Laughing, spending time together out in nature, leading devotional meetings together, sharing meals, hugs, are all good and lovely things. What is challenging is the emotional letting go of Craig. Accepting all of what happened with him and that the outcome was not what he and I planned for our marriage still seems to be a bit stuck.

Sometimes I feel free to move forward, and sometimes I just feel a bit homeless and pulled between past and present. My body still frequently goes into emergency response mode, something that began with Craig’s diagnosis. I have to keep repeating to myself “This is not an emergency!”. I grappled this week with whether I needed to forgive Craig for abandoning me. Is that part of the acceptance process?! How does one do these sorts of things – make a grand pronouncement: “I FORGIVE YOU! I ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE ‘GONE’! I’M GOING FORWARD!” Ha, it doesn’t work that way!

John and I began to speak of marriage before I came down here to live. However, my body and my emotions didn’t deal with it very well. How does one have a marriage for all eternity with someone and not feel disloyal going forward with another person?! I haven’t figured that one out. I spent weeks trying to spiritually shut Craig out, sort of, and that felt wrong too. And how do I do a relationship and tell the Relationship Coach to take a rest?! And, we have just needed to take a slow-pace approach. John reminds me that there is no deadline to meet and just to relax. (I know, I can hear you all who know me well chuckling at that one!) I’m trying. He just keeps saying that he simply wants me (and him) to be happy. Sometimes I am; sometimes I’m just too tired.

I’m doing marriage work most days – getting books ready for printing, writing a new book about relationships, creating workshop handouts, taking lots of photographs, and still trying to figure out what to do with Marriage Transformation. I’ve got a marriage workshop at Green Acre Baha’i School in February, one at the Philadelphia Baha’i Center in April, and a cancer-related one in Colorado in May. However, the business is still not even close to supporting me, and Craig’s life insurance is winding down. There are loyalty issues here too – if I put the company/project on a back burner to simmer lightly, what does that say about the commitment Craig and I made by setting the company up? And, how do I get my 11-page Curriculum Vitae down to a 1-page resume! Yikes!

This past weekend when my apartment here wanted a 60-day notice to vacate, John and I began to grapple with whether I should move to milder-climate Tennessee, whatever happens with him and me; where to live down here; what to do about work and income; whether to sell the house in Euclid; can I be of effective service to the Baha’i community here; and more. The whole discussion triggered a major bout of grief. When I want to de-stress and simplify, major life choices kick me in the stomach. So, sleeping is random, and I’m wondering how to figure out the Will of God.

Chattanooga so far is a happy place. Time with John (and his dog Ziggy), service at the Baha’i Center, study circle (with more dogs!), meeting new people, great mountains/rivers/parks, sunshine, no snow, excellent pool at the YMCA (Laurie Cunningham stayed with me one weekend while down here for a meeting, too!). I’m feeling less and less connection and attachment to Ohio. And, God, where should I be?! Actually I’m getting better at “What feels right to me?” and less of the “shoulds”. But this one isn’t quite clear just yet.

I will appreciate your prayers as I continue to go through all these transitions that I think should happen so much faster than they are! There’s another one of those “shoulds”! I’m gaining more and more knowledge about all of life being an organic process, and one that is nowhere near as linear as I thought. What a surprise to find out that life doesn’t always organize like a spreadsheet or worksheet or checklist! With that freedom, this week my laptop ended up on a picnic table at a lake one day, I played hooky from Toastmasters tonight, I’m taking artistic photographs for fun, and I have a library card down here now too.

Enjoy the photos! (You can see more on Facebook...)

Love,
Susanne

Continuing the Second Anniversary Story

2011-07-25T20:42:00.000-04:00

All the people who told me I would love painting and it would be easy never did a first project that had 12 walls, 2 doorways, a closet, a window, and a window bench! I’m really glad to have the room transformed…and I was utterly exhausted, sore all over, and completely resistant to putting two coats on the walls. It took me 3 days to get it all taped, painted with one coat, and untapped, and that’s the way it’s going to stay! The room is all transformed, and I’m happy. And I may never paint again… The quilted piece in the window was made by my sister Val.

On July 5, friends Nik Tressler and Morgan Rodehurst came over and moved furniture into the prayer room. Then they looked at the family room furniture and moved it all around. Then they moved all the living room furniture around. Then we tried out the furniture in all three, ending up with prayers in the re-done prayer room! Such an amazing blessing to have the main floor of the house all transformed and with such generous accompaniment! On July 6, I then headed out to Albuquerque (which I can now spell!), New Mexico, leaving various pictures off the walls and messes to clean up later.

I had mixed feelings about going off to a marriage conference alone. The first evening I was asked whether my husband was with me, and it brought a few tears. However, overall, the conference was also transitional. I had discussions with colleagues about how to take lessons learned from these last four years and use them to help others, something I think I’m about ready to do. I did a well-received workshop on Caring for the Soul of Your Marriage for 8 couples. I told them about Craig at the beginning, and played music from him about marriage at the end. It felt spiritually transformative for the participants and helpful for me too. I also had a booth in the exhibit area.

I led two workshops after the conference for the Albuquerque Baha’i Faith community. We had over 40 people in the married couples session and about a dozen in the singles session. Lovely to spend two nights with one of the couples. Then I came home and hung pictures and got the house ready for guests.

This weekend, a young engaged couple visited, Talia Lindsley (from Oregon and Columbus, Ohio) and Rory Turnbull (from Scotland and Columbus, Ohio). Talia has volunteered here for Marriage Transformation a couple of times. So, she was the first guest to try out the renewed guest room space, which was lovely. They also helped me with transforming my bedroom space. Yesterday they and another couple helped field test some new marriage material, with the other couple having a very wonderful and spiritual session in the prayer room (where we figure Craig was likely doing some influencing!). Then we had a devotional in the afternoon that included Talia singing.

Workshops are beginning to feel very comfortable, even though I still wish Craig were physically there with me. He was always my time keeper, and I’m even getting better at doing that. People are responding positively, so being a widow doesn’t seem to be an issue. So, I’ll continue to be on the road… When we had guests, Craig always helped with serving people. I’m also getting better at remembering to offer drinks!

I’m declaring the second anniversary of Craig’s passing now complete.

Second Anniversary of Craig’s Passing

2011-07-01T21:09:00.000-04:00

If grief were a linear process, this would feel easier than a year ago. However, there have been many grief triggers this spring, and grief has lain heavy on my chest in recent days.

The question arose this spring about whether it would be wise to get a business partner. Oh, you mean replace Craig?! Grief. Do married couple workshops without Craig? Grief. Go to a marriage conference without Craig? Grief. I miss his smile, his listening, his gentle and loving spirit, his touch, tea and prayers in the morning, holding at night, consultations on every topic, music, encouragement, celebrations, him doing the dishes…. Grief. And…joy in the memories and knowing that he is still close when I need him spiritually.

Craig passed at 9 a.m. July 1, 2009. During the night before, I had the midnight to 4 a.m. shift. I played music, prayed, massaged him, and held his hand. Last night at 2:30 a.m. he nudged me awake to come down to the prayer room, which had been his bedroom the last months of his life. We communed until almost 4 a.m., praying and sharing.

At 9 a.m. this morning, I prayed for his soul. I spoke with my mother-in-law. Later in the morning, Ruth Twaddell met me at the cemetery. It was a beautiful day. We talked and prayed together at Craig’s grave, and then had lunch at a Thai restaurant in Coventry. I went from there to meet with my social worker at The Gathering Place. Eileen helped me process and understand how I’m doing emotionally. I appreciated the accompaniment from her and Ruth today. And the many supportive messages on Facebook.

This evening I’ve begun on a major transitional project. Everything is now out of the prayer room, and I’m going to paint it cornmeal yellow. I’ve never painted a room before, so that makes it twice as big of a project! For the last two years, the walls have been full of the pictures and cards that Craig wanted to see from his bed. To that I added a small display of his glasses, our I love my wife and I love my husband buttons, his prayer book, pinecones from the Holy Land and the cemetery, the first magnet I gave him, and more (See photo). Most of this is not going back in the room. I also plan to make it back into its original combination prayer room and guest room…provided I can find a couple of strong backs to move the foldout couch back in there! I don’t want the room to become a permanent shrine to Craig…and it’s been comforting to have it the way it was.

I can make a long gratitude list…life is overall good. It just still seems strange to not have Craig physically in it. I wonder whether that will ever change?! I’m also so curious about his life in the next world. I wish I could be a journalist and interview him about it!

With love,
Susanne

From Winter to Spring, March 11, 2011

2011-03-11T15:48:00.000-05:00

December and January felt so challenging. The stress reaction in my body from overworking and attempting the first steps of dating lingered on into early February. However, it was bad enough of an experience to give birth to the commitment to find some balance and keep it long-term. I tried many, many “remedies” to calm things down and get the all-over itching to go away. Months of not sleeping through the night is now helping me savor doing it. I’m beginning to regain at least a couple of the 10 pounds lost.

I tried applying regular medicine; taking Chinese medicine; reading fewer romance novels; starting reading comedy non-fiction books; practicing laughing; exercising more; chocolate; journaling; praying; making diet changes; socializing more; receiving Reiki, Jin Shin Jytusu, and massage; learning meditation; signing off match.com and eharmony.com; receiving a visit from close friends; visiting my daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter in Fort Lauderdale (see photos)…. See, I’m even an over-achiever at trying to de-stress! Sigh….

All of these efforts have had some interesting outcomes. I’ve written five new books for my granddaughter Giuliana. My other granddaughter Karida is now my penpal. As I’m laughing more and socializing more, it’s helping others to do the same (see photo of me at a recent party). I’ve developed lovely friendships with two gentlemen, one local and one in another state. Neither particularly shows signs of romance; we have just relaxed and enjoyed the friendship-building process. I’ve also begun doing a regular meditation practice. I found a group through www.meetup.com and visited. It turned out that the mentor they assigned to me was one of Craig’s former coworkers, and we already knew one another. I’m noticing that doing the meditation on “divine light of the heart” lessens my anxieties during the day. And I’m meeting lovely new people…

Of course, now that I’m feeling better, my tendency to over-do is back dogging me! But I’ve got to “catch up”! Same old, same old…never-ending to-do list. A colleague recommended that I try hiring interns to work with me, so I’m advertising for interns, as well as volunteers, and we’ll see where that goes. I’m supposed to be interviewing the first two over the next few days.

My 55th birthday is coming up on Sunday. I can’t seem to quite shake the memory connection between it and Craig, so I’m experiencing some sadness right now. And, also making some plans for the day so I’m not alone on it this year. Friends have invited me to breakfast and dinner. I received a lovely letter yesterday from the Bahá’í National Assembly in response to a recent report I sent to them about the Marriage Transformation Project. They acknowledged the project’s work, saying “the National Assembly is grateful for and highly esteems your dedication to the preservation and strengthening of the divine institution of marriage.” They also said, “Also kindly accept, again, our heartfelt condolences on the loss of your husband, and the assurance of our supplications for the continued progress of Craig’s noble soul throughout the divine realms.” I then spent an hour crying in response.

My flowers were up an inch until we got dumped with a foot of snow in the last 24 hours. I’m looking forward to daffodil season. I’m not physically doing the Bahá’í Fast, but I’m appreciating the time of increased spiritual reflection and prayer and aligning my mind, heart, soul, and body up with the coming year and a new plan for Bahá’í community activity from the Universal House of Justice.

I often feel Craig close during prayers, and give him assignments/requests (!) from time to time, like guiding the process of finding interns and helpers. Someone recently showed up to partner with me on doing my first Teleseminar. I appreciate having the invisible helpers surrounding me, along with the friendships and family here that sustain me.

So, that’s a brief update. I’m mostly living life going forward, but with some looking backwards as grief hits.

Love,
Susanne

The Essential Humility of Grief – December 25, 2010

2010-12-25T13:41:00.000-05:00

In 2006 I asked God to teach me about humility, and of course there have then been lessons ever since. I’m a life-long know-it-all. I’m good at being right. I’m good at judging others…and myself…and knowing that we could be better, do it better, be closer to perfect. When I’ve been around people who were still grieving years after a loved one died, I thought there was something wrong with them. I showed sympathy and caring…and meant them, sort of. But still, I thought they must be doing something wrong to still be crying.

So, I thought I’d do it better. Grieve for a few months and be done with it. But it hasn’t been working. Oh, I’ve gone back to work and I’m being productive. But, I was angry at the cemetery the other day because Craig wasn’t there to place the wreath on the family plot. And I’m pissed off because he helped me heal from my first marriage and then left me in pain again. And I cried before Thanksgiving because he wasn’t going to his mother’s with me and there were no vitamins to pack up for him. And he should have been in line with me at the funeral home this week when his boss died.

There’s a burning pain in my chest where my mate used to be. My head sort of knows that he’s someplace good and tending me with all his super new powers, but sometimes it’s hard to have enough faith and trust to really believe that this is a good thing for him and me.

I stand in front of participants to teach them marriage skills and I talk about Craig and our marriage. Given the eternal nature of marriage, it’s so hard to know whether he’s present tense or past, or whether our marriage is present tense or past. And sometimes I’m present tense and he’s past tense and how do I talk about “us”! And then someone says that I’d better start referring to him as my late husband or I’ll never get a date. It’s all a bit disorienting and confusing. I once said that my first-marriage divorce was harder to go through than Craig dying. But the part after – I’m beginning to think that the dying is harder.

I’m scared I’m not good enough to support myself and the business. Some days I’m not sure whether I have what it takes to be in a new relationship. I’m reacting to the fear and pushing hard to fill my hours and days, but my body is saying it’s way too much pressure. So, now it’s itching all over and driving me crazy so I have no choice but to pay attention. How do I let all my organs rest and calm down? What do I do with the empty part of me? How do I fill it with God and not work? How do I stop judging myself as incompetent with grieving? Was there a manual that said how to do this? I know, I should write it!

Damn it there are better things to do with my time than to spend it grieving. Craig’s happy, he’s in a good place, why can’t I just be happy for him? Perhaps that the essence of humility. Admitting that I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know how to do this well, and I’m having difficulty being selfless and just being happy for him. I just can’t do this alone. It takes God Almighty to make those difficult choices of whose spouse gets to go and be an angel, and it takes God Almighty to hold me through this pain. And it will take God Almighty to forgive me and be merciful to me for my helplessness, and to help me see how to transform the sins of my rebellion and anger and pain into acceptance and goodly deeds. [This is from a new quotation I found a few weeks ago from ‘Abdu’l-Bahá: “Thy generous Lord will…forgive thy sins and transform them into goodly deeds. Verily He is the Forgiving, the Compassionate, the Lord of immeasurable grace.” SWA #141]

The joke is that there is no manual. No one grieves the same way so they tell me, so there is no right way. There’s just my path and my choices and my utter bafflement about how to do it “right”. Which brings me back again to humility. And being merciful to myself and asking God’s mercy on me and putting myself in Hands that are kinder to me than I ever am.

Photo of Vancouver, Canada, “English Corner” Discussion on Marriage, December 12, 2010

Transitions, November 4, 2010

2010-11-04T21:59:00.000-04:00

I’m feeling moved to write tonight, to sort through the mix of emotions that have coursed through me lately.

A few years ago, Craig and I joined a Toastmasters group to improve our public speaking skills and to meet new people. We actively participated and in fact were chosen as group officers right before his diagnosis. That fall, I was so tired and stressed that I resisted going, but Craig was insistent that we go back after his recovery from surgery. And, he was so right. It helped very much to be in a supportive group, laugh with others, and to complete our achievement of becoming Competent Communicators.

Last week I did a 10-minute radio interview, which you can listen to at this link: http://healthpodcast.podbean.com/2010/10/30/happy-marriages-dont-happen-by-accident/ In listening to the recording, I heard an “ah” and “um” or two (something Toastmasters trains you to not do!). And, I’m giving a 45-minute keynote talk at a marriage conference in Vancouver on December 4th and a marriage workshop there the following weekend. So, it seemed like a good time to go back to Toastmasters for a brush up on my presentation skills. I deliberately went to a different group tonight though, one closer to home at the Euclid Library. I participated, even evaluating someone’s speech since the group was shorthanded. At the end, I made a commitment and signed up as a member. And then I cried all the way home. I heard Craig say he was glad I went back…and it just seemed so wrong to not have him there in person.

Another landmark – I went on a date last night. I’m now on match.com and eharmony.com, learning all about the joys and challenges of meeting people on line. And I’m definitely learning--what to do for safety, how to block my phone number, how to interact on email, phone, and in person and how different each method is. It was fun, and nerve-wracking, to be out with someone – we just met at a coffee house in Euclid. And, when he got physically close at the end of the night I was clear I wasn’t quite as ready as I thought I was to deal with it. We agreed not to meet again for a variety of reasons…but I’m glad that I did it. Craig said he’d help with finding me a new husband, but in the absence of a name, address, and phone number, here I go online. And I already have a notepad of lessons learned…

I notice that I’m struggling at times with feeling like I don’t quite fit. I’m doing all the things that are in front of me to do with work, Bahá’í community service, my finances, the dating services, etc. but I feel like I haven’t quite found my place in the world and still feel like I’m in the middle of a major transition. Which I suppose I am! It’s like I’m present and participating, but part of me is absent or not quite fully involved. It’s hard to describe. I am clear though that participating in each day is an act of courage and faith and doing my best with both.

Love,
Susanne

Completions and Creativity, September 4, 2010

2010-09-04T21:29:00.000-04:00

Each stretch of time brings changes…I suppose that’s the nature of life!

The Bahá’í Grief Support Group wound up in August. We agreed to be “on call” for one another or others as needed, but its intense period of usefulness was over. The handouts from it are on one of my new websites, so they will be of ongoing value to others.

The hospital and hospice have both done group memorials in this last year that I chose to not attend. However, the Gathering Place, our cancer support center, held its “annual” memorial earlier this week, and Craig was included. It seemed right to go. I was grateful to have friends with me, Nik Tressler, Melodie Yates, and Janet Lyon. It was good not to be alone. I visited the healing garden there before the ceremony began, sitting and praying on a bench that Craig and I sat on together. The service included the opportunity for family to speak about their loved one. I somewhat tearfully expressed how glad I was to believe in life after death and know that Craig is still with me spiritually. I also spoke of his enduring power of example. While I spoke, Nik was able to visibly see Craig standing in support beside me.

Another completion in this period was Leah Farnsworth Izzard coming to sort through and clear out her boxes in the basement. Leah is Craig’s youngest daughter. So, now the house just has my own stuff, which I’m also occasionally (!) sorting through.

With some trepidation, I stepped in a new direction and posted my profile on www.twodoves.net, a matching service run for Baha’is. This is both a learning experience for me and also helping me feel open to future possibilities. Whoever Craig picked out as a possible husband for me hasn’t shown up yet, so I’m just staying observant!

I’m very focused on finishing about 10 eBooks, some new and some edited versions of previous material. You may recall that the consultation group from last December recommended this as a good place for me to put my energy. So, it’s progressing! I wrote one of the books in the weeks before Craig’s passing and read it aloud to him for agreement. It is called Empowered Healing, Creating Quality of Life While Journeying with Cancer and details Craig’s fact-based, spirit-guided approach and ways we applied it. As I do a final edit of it, I’m reflecting that I’m so grateful I wrote it then, not only so Craig was involved, but because I don’t think I could have written it now. Dr. Bernie Siegel, one of Craig’s inspirers, has provided this testimonial:

“There is a pattern to the personality of long-term survivors. They demonstrate action, wisdom, and devotion in their response to cancer and seek personal empowerment. Empowered Healing coaches and helps you to create a quality of life that gives your body the message to live. When you love your life, your body shows its love too.” ~ Bernie Siegel, M.D. best-selling author of Love, Medicine & Miracles, Faith, Hope & Healing and Help Me to Heal

One of the main tasks I accomplished in August was to create a website for more directly serving the relationship and marriage needs of the Bahá’í Faith community. They have always been a primary audience and customer base, but Marriage Transformation needs to be more focused on a general audience. So, now there is a site that combines http://www.bahaimarriage.net/ and http://www.bahairelationships.com/. It helped tremendously to have Talia Lindsley back as a volunteer for a few days in late July to get the process started, especially creating devotional meeting handouts on the topic of marriage.

My Bahá’í service locally is prompting me to spend many hours in meetings and taking notes, which is interesting and also physically challenging. I’m also doing lots of driving around the area and connecting and reconnecting with many people (see photo of me with Lakewood Baha’is). Last evening I went to a devotional in a beautiful garden setting (see photos) and was surprised to see a former colleague there as a guest. Fran Henry was the first editor (now retired) at the Cleveland Plain Dealer newspaper to give me a freelance assignment there. So, it was fun to catch up a bit. She is standing in the photo next to Rick Eastburn, our host.

So, overall, life is full, interesting, growthful, and keeping me learning all the time.

Love,
Susanne

Cleveland to Florida and Back Again – July 25, 2010

2010-07-25T21:58:00.000-04:00

The anniversary of Craig’s passing on July 1st turned out to be fairly emotionally calm all-in-all. In the morning, I read back through the condolence messages and cards that came in on his passing. It was good to be reminded of everyone’s caring and support. Craig’s daughter Michelle, her daughter Karida, son David with wife Christina and son Aidan and I had lunch together. We then met Craig’s Mom, Lu, and sister Nancy with her husband Bob at the cemetery. Leah wasn’t able to be with us, but we read a message from her and relaxed and visited there in the beautiful sunshine together for awhile.

On July 5th, I drove with a very full car down towards Orlando, Florida. Here on my third trip south in a year, I was finally able to empty the basement of the last of my daughter Jennifer’s stored stuff! The stop in Orlando was from July 7-11 for the annual international Smart Marriages® and Happy Families Conference. Ten days before the conference, the director and I decided that nothing was working smoothly with my new book in the bookstore and that Craig must want me to have a booth! So, with a lot of scrambling, I assembled all the booth supplies and sold books in the exhibit area instead.

The conference was full of emotional moments: Frustration and annoyance at not having Craig to help schlep the boxes and suitcases all over the resort. Sadness at putting the “singles” sticker on my nametag. Tears along with expressions of sympathy and condolence and hugs from people I knew. And, happiness at selling quite a few books, meeting many of the experts who contributed to All-in-One Marriage Prep, and having people join me to help at the booth.

Amy Schwandes, a Bahá’í from Orlando that I’d not met before helped out as a volunteer on Thursday and contributed wonderful candy for booth visitors. My publisher, Jeff Schlesinger, and his wife Molly Barrow, one of the experts, also drove up from Naples to help man the booth for 2 days (see photos of them with me and of Jeff with me). With the help, I was able to attend a number of the workshops and keynote sessions, which was great. One of the best was a luncheon with all-women panelists making a research-based appeal for the woman’s movement to take on championing marriage and family as being good for women.

We held a contest at the booth for the person who got the most experts to sign their book. Winner was Judy McGraw, a family support person at the McGuire Air Force base. (pictured with me and Barbara Jenkins Spires, who provided The Couple Links game as one of the grand prizes http://www.couplelinksgame.com/).

After the conference ended, I spent two nights staying with Baha’is Katherin and Na’im Fananian in Orlando and presented a mini-workshop/information evening about marriage to 22 people. Very fun! (See photos of the group and me with Na’im)

Then on the 13th, on to Ft. Lauderdale/Plantation to stay with Jennifer, Frank, and granddaughter Giuliana for a few days. She walked independently for a few steps while I was there – a landmark moment. However, such adventurousness meant she was needing to be close to her mom and dad a lot, so Nana didn’t get to play with her as much as hoped . But, we did swim together, and I won points for finding a Pooh cup with a straw that she loved. I made her three books full of her photos along with stories for her real present though. We had an excellent birthday party for her the day after her birthday on July 17th. (See photos from this period of time)

Then, once again trekking home north. I have rarely felt lonely over this year, but it really began to hit me as I was traveling. Too many experiences where it would have been lovely to have a companion. I’m also experiencing some anger these days – too many decisions and plans to make without a partner to help. But, I’m coping one day at a time.

Two days after getting home, stress and overwhelm hit with a migraine. I chased it mostly off with home remedies but took it easier on Friday. Thanks to my mom for paying for a massage! Then yesterday was exhausting again. I’ve been appointed to a Bahá’í committed called the Area Teaching Committee, and there was training for the three of us as new members all day. Fatigue mingled with grief – so much of the day felt like a better fit for Craig than me – he loved processing data! Together with friends at the end I began crying and then leaked off and on most of the way home.

This morning was the grief support group in my home. It reassured me that all this emotional mix is very normal. While I think it ought to be done, it still surprises me, and my energy level isn’t what I want it to be. I go through periods of being very confident with work, and then totally questioning whether I can truly make a living at it. Confidence, faith, and fear keep rotating.

I have a lot of ideas and projects percolating, so creatively I’m back engaged. And…managing all the details is a challenge! One day at a time…

Love,
Susanne

Emerging from My Office, June 20, 2010

2010-06-20T21:14:00.000-04:00

Wow, I haven’t posted anything for two months! The new book project turned out to be very huge and on a very tight deadline to be ready to launch at the Smart Marriages Conference in Orlando, Florida, on July 6th. It goes off to the printer tomorrow via my new publisher, Barringer Publishing. I signed the contract with them in Naples, Florida, on May 8 (see photo of Jeff Schlesinger and me). Jeff’s wife Molly Barrow is one of the experts in the book. You can see information about the book at www.allinonemarriageprep.com.

Jennifer, Frank, and Giuliana drove across to Naples the same day for a pre-Mother’s Day lunch and a visit to the children’s area of Barnes and Noble bookstore (see photo). I headed home to Cleveland the next day.

Through the very long and stressful days it took to put the book together, I kept asking Craig for help. One day I heard from one of the experts that he had just realized from my website that Craig had passed and wanted to donate the services of his Internet Marketing business in Craig’s honor to set up the book website and help with some marketing for no charge. I cried tears of gratitude…. (This was someone who did not know Craig or I before this project began.)

I’m getting good at these long drives – I’m amazed. I would have said I couldn’t do it. But I can, and I’m headed back driving down to Orlando on July 5 and from there to Ft. Lauderdale for granddaughter Giuliana’s first birthday. There are three major events in a row with lots of emotions associated with them, and so I’m on somewhat of a roller coaster these days. The first was Leah’s wedding on June 12th. To have Craig’s daughter married without him physically there was hard…for all of us. Lots of joy and tears. But she was beautiful and so was the wedding. They had a Baha'i ceremony, a Christian ceremony with an interfaith minister, and a "jumping the broom" ceremony. Leah charged me with relaxing and having fun, and I did both all weekend. (See photo of Leah and Moe Izzard with Leah's sister Michelle to the left and photo of my granddaughter Karida as one of the flower girls - on the right)

The second event coming up is the July 1 anniversary of Craig’s passing. He feels a bit more distant these days. I’m not sure whether that’s the right word or not, but often when I communicate with him, his responses aren’t as strong or clear. Some of the family will gather together on that day at the cemetery. It has helped me over last months to read a book called Hello From Heaven! about after-death communication. It’s amazing to me the variety of ways that those who have passed on do continue to communicate to loved ones for years and decades. This is comforting to me.

The third event is going to the marriage conference without him. We went together for a few years, and in 2007, Craig was so happy teaching hundreds of people who stopped by our booth the skill of honoring and acknowledging character qualities in a spouse. Three weeks later, he was in tumor-removal surgery. But I’m looking forward to the conference too – learning, reconnecting, and most of all selling the new book.

It took me 11 months to gradually give away Craig’s clothes to many people. I finally accomplished clearing his closet out. So, yesterday I reorganized all my clothes and moved some into it. There was a brief moment of sadness, but good to get the job done, too.

I’ve begun taking a Bahá’í training class about the Covenant – the measures taken throughout the history of the Bahá’í Faith to protect its unity and prevent division. It’s serious content but good to study with others. The goal is that I can then tutor sessions for others on the topic. I’m also participating in a Purpose-Driven Life group with an interfaith set of friends. The grief group I organized is also still meeting occasionally. So, I’m spending more time interacting comfortably with people again and not feeling quite so much need to hibernate.

I’ve been gluten-free now since mid-February and feeling much better and healthier as a result. I’ve lost 6 pounds in the last months, so feeling slim and trim too! Still swimming, although since returning from Florida I’ve not made it to yoga classes. I loved the ones on Venice beach! It was warm enough by the time I left to be able to swim in the ocean. I had a visit from a heron one day that seemed to stand vigil by me (see photo). Far fewer sightings of solo birds this trip. Saw lots of bunny rabbits though – symbols of moving ahead by leaps and bounds.

This is a very non-linear posting! Life feels like it’s backward, forward, and sideways all at once. But, mostly forward.

Love,
Susanne

Re-Visiting Venice, Florida, and Creating a New Book – April 21, 2010

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In Cleveland, I was working long hours and getting exhausted. In Venice, I’m working long hours and still getting very tired. However, the blessing here is that I take breaks and go to the pool, the beach, and for lovely walks. I’m back doing yoga on Venice Beach either at sunrise or sunset, and I’m seeing the same massage therapist weekly. Everything is familiar, and dear friends are nearby.

Today is a Bahá’í Holy Day, which is a blessing, because I really needed a day off! I spent two hours at the beach, wading, taking a quick dip in the ocean (it’s cold this time of year). I took photos of pelicans in flight and a crab that wanted to keep dashing in and out of his hole. The wildlife felt like a mirror of my life right now. I’m peacefully spending time with more people (flock of pelicans) – the Bahá’í community in Sarasota, friends for meals, and I have two coaching clients here. However, I’m going in and out of my crab hole, too! (see beach photos)

The new marriage preparation book is going beautifully. It has been an enormous task – far more than I anticipated – to work with 50+ experts and edit their 100+ essays. I still have my own sections to write, too! My daughter, Jennifer, is providing administrative support for about 3 hours each week, thankfully. My editing skills, honed over years, have taken another leap forward in excellence with this project. I’ve loved the process, because it has included coaching the marriage experts in looking at how to use their specialties to apply to premarital couples. They have also allowed me to suggest content based on my own experience and knowledge gained over the years. As I edit, I feel as if I’m also going through my own personal process of completing and honoring my marriage with Craig, as well as going through marriage preparation for whatever happens in the future. (No, I haven’t met anyone, yet!)

It has been a gift to have two life/business coaching clients here in town. Working with them is giving me more understanding of how to incorporate character content into coaching. They are great people, and I love helping them move forward in their lives and cheering their successes.

The massages are beginning to unlock my body from the mess it was in on arrival. Joe says I wasn’t as bad as last summer, but I definitely had gotten my neck, back, and shoulders fused together in a stress-filled block. I’m back standing very straight and moving more freely. The sunshine down here is fabulous for uplifting my mood, and temperate enough this time of year that the windows are open all the time. The person covering orders for me and sending me my mail keeps asking me how my vacation is going…I definitely don’t feel like I’m on vacation, but it’s a great place to work!

I’m likely here through mid-May. The book needs to be about ready for layout before I leave – at least that’s my plan! I’m still on target to launch it at the July Smart Marriages Conference in Orlando (http://www.smartmarriages.com/).

To help me with transitioning out of grief mode, I moved to a different bedroom here at the Circlewood house. The master bedroom that I used last year is darker. The one I’m in now is filled with light, with bright furniture and bedding. There are still triggering moments, of course. Thinking ahead to being at Smart Marriages without Craig there in person is hard. But, as of today I’m stopping reading the daily grief book I’ve been using – it is beginning to feel like it’s pulling me backwards.

Craig and I still commune regularly though – perhaps we always will. I’m reading a wonderful book called Hello from Heaven, which is filled with first-person stories of people’s after-death communications with loved ones and how it helped them believe in life after death. I’m glad I began with that belief already in place, but it’s fascinating to see all the various types of communication that happen, and the stories are very touching and confirming.

Well, that about catches you all up!

Much love,

Susanne

Retreating to Florida – April 21, 2010

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I cannot quite believe that it’s been 6 weeks since I posted a blog update! It feels as if I blinked and the time was gone!

Mid-March was a significant grieving time for me. My birthday was March 13th, and a day with many memories associated with Craig. On that day in 2009, it was the last time he was able to safely come up the stairs in our home and sleep in our bedroom. I spent the day quietly at home by myself, which turned out to be okay, especially since friends sent a beautiful bouquet of yellow flowers during the day. I’d crawled back into bed mid-day, and getting up to receive them turned the day around.

Over the following two weeks, because I had a new computer arriving, I spent hours reorganizing files from 3 computers, and began the difficult process of setting up the file arrangement just for me, and putting Craig’s documents in the background. Getting the new computer was a huge project and a significant stressor. New computer, new software, new file placement – very disorienting when I’m on the computer a lot. But, it’s beginning to feel more comfortable now.

The first day of spring was Naw-Rúz, a Bahá’í holy day. I went out for a community dinner at Li Wah Restaurant in Cleveland. (See photo of me (3rd from left) with friends)

The new marriage preparation book project got going very quickly, with many experts agreeing to participate. Four wanted to be interviewed, so I accomplished that before leaving for Florida on March 29th. I had the car filled to the brim, including another large load of Jennifer’s things from the basement (load 2 of 3). I had her child’s rocking chair to get in, so I traveled with it in the front, and my stuffed animals enjoyed the view. (See photo)

I drove for 8 hours each day and arrived in Ft. Lauderdale on the 31st, utterly exhausted from the weeks before. The best part of the trip was the ever-increasing signs of spring as I drove south. The daffodils on entering North Carolina brought me joy, and I stopped the next day and took photos of flowering trees in South Carolina. (See photo)

It was great to see Jennifer, Frank, and Giuliana. With Jennifer’s coaching, I took a few days to recover. The baby and I had a great time playing. She is learning to be a drummer, so her father already has plans for her to join his band when she is older. She especially loved my penguin, laughing at it, hugging it, and biting its beak! (See photos)

I arrived smoothly and thankfully in Venice on April 3, Easter weekend, a four-hour drive from Ft. Lauderdale, and crashed. More about Venice in the next posting (very soon!).

Love,

Susanne

Foundation for Transitions, March 9, 2010

2010-03-09T18:11:00.000-05:00

First a brief news update: On February 14th, I had a lovely visit with my stepdaughter Michelle, her husband Hooman, and our granddaughter Karida. Karida spent the night by herself for the first time since Thanksgiving of 2007, so we had some fun. (see photo) The Bahá’í Grief Support Group met again on February 21st, and we were joined by Barbara Trauger-Querry, a Bahá’í who was also our art therapist through Hospice of the Western Reserve. She led us through expressive painting, which was great. On the 22nd, I had a lovely two-hour visit with my friend Brenda Hanks Maxwell Zografov while her husband Alex slept. They were driving from Winnipeg, Manitoba to Halifax, Nova Scotia via Cleveland while on the way back to their home in Bulgaria!

Michelle and Karida

I traveled to Chicago for the last weekend of February. I stayed with my friend Vicki (formerly Schmotzer) Carl in Evanston. We talked non-stop all weekend, got mistaken for being sisters, went shopping, went to a Bahá’í Ayyám-i-Há party, went to the Bahá’í House of Worship in Wilmette, watched a documentary about British royalty and Windsor Castle, and generally had a great time. (see photos)

Part of the reason for the trip to Chicago was to meet with Julie Walker, which I did for an intense 2-hour session on the 26th. It’s always hard to know quite how to describe Julie’s gift – medical intuitive, healer, psychic, spiritual guide, etc. Anyway, she has been an ongoing part of my journey, and it was time to connect. I taped the session and have 11 pages of handwritten notes from listening to it, so this will just be a brief summary!

We began by connecting with Craig, of course. She said his soul now is very refined – like a diamond with no coal left. He has an agenda and is very focused on bringing me towards what I need, having perceived that I have missed some things in my first two marriages. So, in addition to providing me with flashes of inspiration and getting me “spruced up” with divine assistance, he also wants me to find a new mate and actually has someone in mind (who I apparently don’t already know!). So, I’m being encouraged to be in openness mode, prepare myself, and experience whoever comes in my path! [Which prompted me to stop wearing my wedding and engagement rings…all of this sooner than I’d anticipated, and of course triggering some transition-related grief as well. And some resistance…which I’m working through… Julie commented that spirit is saying I need to find a new man but my body is saying, hell no! My heart is unsure and bruised, so I need a bit more time to acclimate to the idea.]

We spent a lot of time exploring my career path and what will bring stability and happiness. It is clear that staying in the relationship/marriage field is a great direction for me, and I’m now in the preparation stage for re-launching it. The books that are percolating will be excellent both for helping me become more systematic in my coaching approach and creating a constant flow of clients. I will be focusing on marriage preparation, marriage, and couples preparing for life after death and helping people connect with their souls to create successful, enduring matehood. The book project that has now launched of having marriage experts giving input on marriage preparation will be a vital piece in moving my career forward. [Thank you Craig for that flash of inspiration!]

Physically I’ve accomplished a huge amount of the recovery from the two years of caregiving and these eight months of grieving. However, there is still a challenge with fatigue, and Julie is indicating that I still need restoration time and downtime in the sun over the next couple of months, so I’m making arrangements to go back south again for awhile. This is to be a time of becoming autonomous from Craig and finding our own purposes and missions. He will always be available to me if I call on him, but we are moving towards our own lives. The intense period of grief is beginning to ease and will be helped to end by taking some more time off. Julie shared that I was carrying around a lot of fear in my chest about way too much and it’s causing some thymus gland swelling. So, I’ve been getting help to release the fears in the days since the session. Unfortunately, she confirmed that I need to be avoiding wheat, dairy, and sugar – all the fun foods!

So, more transitions in process, but some support and direction for going through them. I always appreciate the confidence and certainty that I gain through these sessions.

While I wait until housing in Florida opens up for me, I’m buried in book projects, shipping orders to customers, canceling out of various energy-challenging commitments, enjoying the 6th day in a row of sunshine in Cleveland, rejoicing because the green shoots of early flowers are coming up, going for walks, swimming, continuing to take an e-book marketing course, and occasionally remembering to breathe!

Much love,

Susanne

Florida Family Reunion, January 31-February 13, 2010

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One of the blessings of the last months has been the birth of my granddaughter Giuliana, in part because it has prompted me to be in Florida with family more than might happen otherwise. With a little persuasion, my mother (Kay Muttart) was willing to abandon snowy and cold Toronto, Ontario, and join me this time. It was a good opportunity for a 4-generation photo. Grieving for me right now is in quiet mode, so that was good timing, too.

We rented a 2-bedroom home in a Ft. Lauderdale suburb that had a lanai, outdoor patios, and a heated swimming pool in the yard. Lovely space! Mom and I determined that we both felt better eating our own food than constant restaurant meals, so I was glad to find a Whole Foods grocery and Publix grocery 5 minutes away. The weather was mostly in the 60’s and 70’s, so a little “cool”, but overall great. We tracked the blizzards happening elsewhere and felt grateful to be where we were! I especially appreciated doing my morning prayers and eating many meals outdoors.

My sister Val and husband Hans from Alberta in western Canada were wintering in their RV home in south Florida at the same time as us. We’ve been disconnected from them for many years, so it was a great reunion and chance to catch up. We got to see the photos of their family and recent trips around the US and in Africa. [See photo of Val and Hans with Mom.]

Of course, we also spent considerable time with my daughter Jennifer, her husband Frank, and the baby. Giuliana decided Nana’s visit and Great-Grandma’s introduction were a good opportunity to show off new skills. She learned to sit up and began to creep quickly to any goal she could spot. So, we promptly bought child-proofing supplies! And Nana got some fun photos. We did quite a bit of other shopping for the baby, too…shopping always happens when we three females get together…now 4 of us! We also saw Frank’s mother Christine and his sister Fanya.

One day I was invited to Giuliana’s Mommy and me gym class, which was great fun. About 15 Mom’s (and 1 Dad) with their children 5-9 months old bouncing on the trampoline, going down a slide, swinging, playing with balls, riding on a small bike, and more, all accompanied by lively music and Miss Sue on high-speed. Wild!

I spent a bit of time at the beach, which was 10 minutes from the house. It was too cool to swim, but I waded and walked on the beach. I went down one morning for sunrise, something that Craig and I did whenever we were near a beach. So, it was communion time with him, too. And, of course I took photos!

It was an enjoyable time, if not totally restful. I worked some each day and acted as chauffer, cook, and housekeeper. Jennifer and I started on a new book together, with her acting as project leader. Mom and I spent one evening talking about religion with someone I’d met down there a few months ago. All-in-all it was a busy time and great simply to be together! Hard to come back to snowy Cleveland!

Love,
Susanne

Steps Forward and Back, January 23, 2010

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Flowers are from the Home and Flower Show - Yes, there is still snow in Cleveland....

January 1st was the 6-month mark since Craig’s passing. The grief seems to be more intense these weeks. My analytical brain keeps trying to figure out why. Maybe denial is simply beginning to wear off and acceptance sink in! I’ve been seeing the social worker at the Gathering Place every couple of weeks, and that helps. I also began hosting and leading a grief support group for local members of the Bahá’í Faith. We had 9 of us on January 3, our first session. It seemed to be helpful for all. It’s challenging for me to host, lead, and participate though! However, one of the friends led a visualization section, so that helped. And someone else will be helping to facilitate some future sessions.

Workwise, there has been movement forward. I’m taking two courses. One is to help me create articles that will include links back to my website for people to purchase e-books. The other is to help me create and market e-books. The Marriage Transformation website is being re-done and simplified. And e-book creation is underway. I have a new coaching client – business coaching this time rather than my other client, who is relationship coaching. I’ve also applied to work for a temporary employment service, although no assignments yet. I passed all their tests, though!

For months, I’ve emotionally struggled to put together query letters and a book proposal to approach literary agents about Empowered Healing, the book that lays out Craig’s approach to cancer along with my caregiving approach. Every time I tried to work on it, the emotions would overcome me. So, I’m delighted to report that I sent queries off to 12 agents and one has asked for a copy of the book proposal. It went off in the mail to him this week. So, your prayers for its journey will be appreciated. This was a major accomplishment.

I’ve been getting involved in more spiritual service, but the more I’m visible, the more I’m being asked to do. My body is telling me I’m back trying too hard and too fast and too much. The story of my life! That was one of Craig’s primary responsibilities as my husband – helping me stay moderate and balanced. It’s hard without him. I feel deeply tired still easily, so I’m reminding myself of the goals the Dec. 6th consultation gave me and crossing off the additional ones I was adding in.

Yesterday two friends from the support group at The Gathering Place and I spend a few hours at the Home and Garden Show. We had fun, enjoyed the spring flowers, got caught up with our grieving journeys, and managed to spend only a little money. (See photos; This is Bonnie, Susanne, and Bev)

There’s also been a day spent with visiting my friend Holly, an afternoon babysitting our grandson, friends here to visit, study circles, spirituality support group, Bahá’í meetings, doing end-of-year finances for personal and business, etc. So, I’m following through with not hibernating/retreating too much. One day this week my daughter-in-law Christina recruited me to be a model for her manicure and pedicure tests at cosmetology school. Check out the purple nails in the photo! But, now I’m noticing a need for more downtime. Always a balancing act…good thing a Florida trip is coming up soon!

Love,
Susanne

Talia Comes to Visit – December 25-30, 2009

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It’s been my experience that when one consults about choices and makes decisions, then resources to carry them out begin to show up. Shortly after the December 6th consultation about my life, I heard from Talia Lindsley, who wanted to volunteer to help with the Marriage Transformation Project. She is an Ohio State college student, living only about 2.5 hours of driving from my home, although across the country from her family in Oregon. She is a music education grad student.

Even before Talia came on December 25th, her offer was beneficial. It prompted me to sort through piles on both desks, throw things away, and get organized. Once she was here, we discovered we worked well together and accomplished the following:

- set company goals for the first half of 2010
- reorganized and cleaned out the book shipping area of the basement
- planned out a new, simplified design for the website
- edited the agent query letter and book proposal for Empowered Healing
- edited a new e-book entitled Caring for the Soul of Your Marriage
- set up a company profile for Marriage Transformation on Facebook
- researched dating websites so as to be able to make recommendations to clients
- cleaned up the online shopping cart and made it more accurate
- researched potential software and setups for e-books
- set up a coaching profile on a relationship magazine website
- set up an ad on buyfrombahais.com

We also talked, walked, shoveled snow, cooked and ate together, prayed, played music, and had fun. On Saturday night, we visited my friends the Twaddells for a party. One of their sons, Daniel, is a student in the music department at OSU and in the Bahá’í Campus Association there as well, so he and Talia had previously met each other. Their son David was visiting from Israel, where he works at the Bahá’í World Centre. We enjoyed watching his slides and videos.

Talia’s family placed book orders and so did others, so I ran to the post office a couple of times. I shared a lot about Craig with her, which was a lovely activity. One unique experience was connecting via Skype with Talia’s boyfriend Rory Turnbull, who was visiting his family in Scotland. We set up a Scrabble board here, turned the web-camera on it, and we told Rory what letters we chose for him. Amazingly he won! Well, and then again, he’s a linguist. (See photo of the game)

I talked Talia’s ear off…it was so good to have company! And definitely a blessing for the business as well. I was tired enough when she left that I know we had reached the limit, but it was also sad to have the house so empty again. I had thought before she came that it would be good to have someone who was high energy, but Talia’s quiet, gentle spirit was actually perfect and helped me to sustain my energy. She even coped relatively well with working in a 67 degree house with a snowstorm outside! (See photo)

Today has been a rest day – lots of time in bed reading and relaxing before heading into year-end inventory and financials tomorrow.

Love,
Susanne

Visiting Grief, December 19, 2009

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I don’t feel as if I live in the land of grief. I’m often cheerful and involved in daily living and activities. However, I visit it. Or it visits me. I’m not sure which. Often the ticket to get there is an instant pass with no advance booking. I opened a book this week while clearing off a shelf in my office, and there on a cut-out heart from one of our workshops was an appreciation in Craig’s handwriting: “Susanne scratches my back every night.” The tears were immediately present.

Sometimes I play music and stray thoughts coalesce and show up as snatches of emotional prose that I capture for a yet-to-be-fully-formed book. Here are a couple of examples:

“Why do I have to re-invent my life? Why does it have to go some new direction? Am I supposed to be alone now for the next 40 years? Look for a new partner? What if I can’t do it successfully again – layers upon layers of touch and experience? You were my prince. We created bliss and success together. Why does God want to push me for more? Could I not learn detachment some less painful way?”

“Sometimes I understand why widows always used to dress in black. The sun is blackened in some moments. Oh, I’m not generally unhappy. But sometimes so very sad and so very mad. Or do I mean angry? I dress in purple, because it is the color of the spirit and the color of our wedding band stones. But then I dress in red to be angry. Or yellow to be happy. What does it mean to be a widow when there is no longer a costume, a design, a symbol to declare that I’m in mourning. Those of us who face the death of a loved one look so ordinary to the world. The pain all has to sit on the inside and often be on the hide side. With some it’s comfortable to let the tears fall down my cheeks, but for others it sticks in the throat and lodges in pain between the ribs around my heart.”

“Sometimes I’m fiercely glad that you are integrally part of me forever. Sometimes I’m so glad that you are nearby. And then I just want to run and hide far away and hope you don’t follow so I don’t have to face how life has changed and is changing every day. Near, far, words that speak of the physical which you are no longer. It’s a mirage, a miracle, a mystery. My mind grapples trying to understand the unknowable, to find patterns in the immensely complex. WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE AM I? WHERE ARE WE? IS THERE STILL A WE? It’s the pain of that last question that spreads the blackness of doubt warring with hope and dreams. Can I ever be good enough to deserve being with you again for eternity? What does God want of me yet?”

On December 8th, the afternoon before I left for Florida, Craig’s marker stone was set at his grave at Lake View Cemetery. They tell me it takes so long, because the granite to match the others at the family plot had to come from Vermont and then be lettered in Ohio. On the 16th, Dave Farnsworth (Craig’s son) and I visited the cemetery with a Christmas wreath, a family tradition, and to see the stone. It was a very emotional visit, with stories of Craig and simply seeing yet one more piece of “evidence” that he’s physically gone. Part of my ongoing process of achieving acceptance.

That afternoon I met with the social worker at The Gathering Place, sharing and exploring where I’m at and why I feel so blocked carrying out the publication of the book on responding to cancer that Craig and I did this spring. Some of it seems to be resistance to the topic of cancer taking over my life. I stayed at TGP and participated in a panel for medical students on the subject of caregiving cancer patients. So, all in all, a very emotional day. The following day I cancelled most plans and spent a lot of time in bed.

After two days of taking it easy, on the 18th our spiritual study circle group visited Lake View cemetery together. Remember the rocks we painted in November? They got placed on Craig’s grave and on the grave of the mother of one of the participants. It was lovely, and not as wrenching as the visit there with Dave.

So, it’s been a week where grief has filled me at times and exhausted me. Interspersed have been decisions about health insurance, life insurance, job hunting, bill paying, finding a place for my mother and I to stay in Florida in February, visiting the dentist (no cavities!), yoga, massage, chiropractor, swimming, study circles, and reorganizing my office. And naps.

Love,
Susanne

Quick Florida Trip, Dec. 9-13, 2009

2009-12-20T10:28:00.004-05:00

Before the craziness of traveling during the Christmas season, and of course while it was icy in Cleveland and 84 degrees in Florida, I flew down to see my daughter Jennifer, son-in-law Frank, and of course granddaughter Giuliana. At 5 months, she is showing definite signs of developing her unique personality and changing daily. She learned to roll over both ways while I was there.

Jennifer and I had an enjoyable time doing some shopping and doing non-Christmas home decorating projects at their house, like framing and hanging pictures. We enjoyed Friday pizza night with Frank’s mother Christine and sister Fanya. Jennifer and I dipped Giuliana into the swimming pool for the first time. Jennifer, Frank, and I watched the latest Harry Potter movie on DVD. And the four of us went out to eat at Sweet Tomatoes. So, a relaxing and fun trip. No medical emergencies or problems. Just fun. Yay! Enjoy the photos.

Love,
Susanne

Consultation About My Life, December 6, 2009

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In the fall of 1997, I was recently divorced and my job of shipping chemicals had ended at BP. I held a consultation at that time about where I should live and what I should do. The group recommended staying in Cleveland and becoming a writer. My life made a dramatic turn from that time on. (BTW, coincidentally, Craig was one of the attendees, when there was nothing romantic between us.) Now faced with new major choices in my life, I decided to request another group convene at my home. I was amazed and delighted to discover that I had considerably more people qualified to participate than I had need of or space for. We ended up with eight of us (nine including Craig).

This is the guidance from the Bahá’í Writings that we followed: “The question of consultation is of the utmost importance, and is one of the most potent instruments conducive to the tranquility and felicity of the people. For example, when a believer is uncertain about his affairs, or when he seeketh to pursue a project or trade, the friends should gather together and devise a solution for him. He, in his turn, should act accordingly. Likewise in larger issues, when a problem ariseth, or a difficulty occurreth, the wise should gather, consult, and devise a solution. They should then rely upon the one true God, and surrender to His Providence, in whatever way it may be revealed, for divine confirmations will undoubtedly assist.”(‘Abdu’l-Bahá: Consultation, pp. 96-97; Fire & Gold, p. 270)

It takes me a lot of courage to lay out my finances and circumstance and invite input. The group was loving and respectful as I cried, shared the status on the Marriage Transformation Project, and explored possibilities for earning an income with them. They recommended that I not put the house up for sale yet, but re-evaluate this choice next summer. And they gave me some guidelines for the next few months, including finding part-time work and what projects made sense to tackle for the project. They also recommended some additional support for grieving. I feel blessed by their friendship and support, as well as some help in determining the new directions in my life.

Love,
Susanne

Comings and Goings, November 2009

2009-11-29T14:10:00.004-05:00

I started out November very focused on trying to get everything done around the house and with Craig’s affairs. I had applied to serve at the Bahá’í World Centre in Israel and wondered whether I’d have to move on short notice. I was mentally in moving mode. But, they’ve decided it’s not the right time for me to come, so I’m breathing a bit in relief and backing off on pushing so hard. And, of course, still trying to figure out what I should be doing and where I should be!

I made it through Craig’s birthday on November 10th. A couple of friends joined me in the evening for ice cream cake and a study circle. We painted rocks (from one of Craig’s and my favorite spots on the lake) to take in the future to the cemetery – one of our participants told us it’s a Jewish custom to leave a stone at gravesides upon visiting. (See photos) Another participant has a mother buried at the same cemetery as Craig, so we hope to have a field trip there in December. I’m also facilitating/tutoring another study circle, one that trains tutors for study circles, and serving in that capacity is widening my world and bringing blessings.

My stepdaughter Michelle came to town for a couple of days and her brother Dave came over, too. I’ve got about 25 boxes of books that I’ve taken off of our 10 bookcases, trying to downsize, and they got first choice of their contents. And the bookcases are still holding a lot of books! As I sort through possessions, grief at times blindsides me – holding Craig’s glasses and combs was hard. Praying for the progress of his soul helps…

For the first time since May, I attended the Spirituality Support Group at The Gathering Place on the 12th. Lovely to see everyone again. I’m still being very sporadic with support group activities, trying to assess what help I need with grieving. I do most of my processing through daily “Dear Craig” letters in my journal.

On the 16th, I flew up to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada to stay with my father and stepmother Sharlene for a few days. They have moved to Richmond, a suburb 10 minutes from the airport. It’s on an island at the mouth of the Fraser River as it empties into the Pacific. The city is lovely, staying mild in temperature year round. Approx. 40% of the city population is now Chinese, so Sharlene is enjoying having bilingual signage and many people to talk to. Her English is much improved, however, so she and I could also converse! She did not bake in China, so I spent part of the week teaching her to bake pies and cookies (see photos). Their condo building had a hottub, which was a treat after spending days walking all over.

I had timed my Vancouver visit to coincide with a Bahá’í Marriage Conference on November 21st. I thought it might be an opportunity to see how it felt to participate as a widow, so I volunteered to lead a workshop. I’ve struggled with self-confidence thinking about working as a relationship/marriage coach without Craig. The task force planning the conference came back to me and asked me to be the opening keynote speaker. I prayed and grabbed onto courage and said yes to that in addition to doing a workshop on parental consent. The day before the conference, the other keynote speaker canceled, and I was asked to do the afternoon keynote as well! I also participated on a panel at the end of the day. So, I simply surrendered to God’s will and served as best as I could. It seemed to go very well, and I felt my confidence increase in the process. (See photo) I’m back doing some work, but my ability to write keeps coming and going.

Then I had to say goodbye at the airport in Vancouver to Dad and Sharlene and arrive in Cleveland to no one there to greet me. Both felt almost unbearably sad. Craig and I had a commitment to one another to personally meet each other’s flights. I scribbled a short poem in the baggage area:

Airport tears
And greetings present
And yet missing
This dark night
Altogether and apart
Left wondering
About the loneliness
Awaiting at our home

I was home for a day and then left on the 25th to spend Thanksgiving with Craig’s family in Pennsylvania. It was lovely to see everyone, but I also kept wanting to cry at his absence from the family photos and meal. (See photo - I'm sitting up on top with the unmarried members of the family...) I made and took applesauce, one of Craig’s favorites. I spent both nights with Craig’s Mom and then had to bid her farewell and come back home to the empty house again. All the comings and goings have an emotional impact. So, I’m tired from the emotions, but also happy for all the passages traversed successfully.

Love,
Susanne

A Little Too Busy, October 31, 2009

2009-10-31T17:51:00.003-04:00

Well, I haven’t written in a couple of weeks, which probably tells those of you who know me well that I overloaded the to-do list! I’m in slower mode today, resting up a bit, and listening to a great set of tapes on relationship intimacy.

I’ve been tackling the piles of file boxes that Craig and I have accumulated over the last 10 years, as well as those from freelance writing the two years before we married. Thankfully, a young, strong friend (John-Mark Wortham) came over and hauled them out of storage for me. I’ve now filled up over a dozen trash bags and shredded piles of documents, and he hauled them to the curb for me. And, there are more boxes to go!

On the 17th, a crew of friends came and dismantled Craig’s wheelchair ramp and took it to a non-profit for re-constructing into a ramp for someone else. The re-use is something that would make Craig happy. Nik Tressler, his son Eric, John Cunningham, and George Eaton put in a few hours on the job. A blessing, but also an emotional moment to see one more thing connected to Craig gone. I’ve now planted grass where it used to stand. And trimmed all the trees and bushes that John didn’t do that day.

I’ve attended bereavement meetings twice, once at Hospice and once at The Gathering Place. I’m glad to have the support of others in this process, but still uncertain just how helpful these groups are to me. I’m having times of sadness, of course, but some people still seem so stuck in grief after years have gone by, and I just don’t want to be in that space. My mother was in town for 5 days from Toronto, and that was helpful. She and I watched the DVD of Craig’s funeral and graveside services together, her for the first time (she wasn’t able to be at the funeral). I shed a few tears, but it was also helpful to re-visit the experience (and interesting to see all that was happening behind me, as I was in the front row!). Mom and I did quite a bit of shopping while she was here, too! And she attend our spiritual study circle, which resumed for the first time since I returned from Florida. A lovely evening…

Many house repairs are underway. Craig’s sister Nancy and brother-in-law Bob were here on the 25th. Bob replaced one of my bedroom windows and started replacing the storm door in front. Neighbor Frank Rodgers continued the process by finishing the door and installing a new porch light and mailbox. There is still quite a bit of painting to do after I get the house de-cluttered. All of this is intended to ready the house to go up for sale in February – at least that’s the current plan! And no, I don’t know where I’m going yet, although making suggestions to God and Craig and taking steps!

I’ve spent hours doing the completion process on Craig’s life, taking him off of bank accounts and credit cards, canceling his membership in a dozen different things, taking him off of mailing lists, and transferring his frequent flyer miles to my cards. It’s amazing what all he was involved in! I’ve sold his grill to a friend of his, so I spent time cleaning that up from two years of sitting idle.

Work is slowly resuming. I’m book writing and began coaching a new relationship client this week. I’ve committed to speak at a marriage conference in Vancouver in November while there visiting my Dad and stepmother. I’ve put all the books on inventory clearance sale, and got a newsletter out yesterday to our subscribers for the first time since January, thanks to assistant Joyce Ashman. Yesterday I met for the second time with financial planners, who ran through with me how to support myself from now to age 93! It was a bit overwhelming, but good to see how to work out supporting myself that long. I just have to work making approx. $30,000/year from age 55 to age 76 to make the plan work (or live in a cave). Yikes! Part of the challenge for me is figuring out how the marriage project now fits in my life as a widow, particularly since it has never run at a profit, and most of its funding supports have ended. And yet, the need for relationship and marriage education in the world has by no means stopped! So, praying, seeking guidance, and we’ll see what happens.

I’ve been doing yoga, swimming, and walking (forcing myself too much!). The photos of the fall colors are from my walks near our home.

Love,
Susanne

Sorting Through Things, October 14, 2009

2009-10-14T14:42:00.003-04:00

I’m targeting putting our home on the market in February. That, plus a general need to downsize and organize, has me beginning the process of sorting through and identifying things to go elsewhere. Some things will go to family or friends, some sold, some given or thrown away. But the process, of course, triggers emotions.

I visited my mother-in-law in Pennsylvania this week. It was our first seeing one another since Craig’s funeral. She is also sorting through her home and getting ready to move into an independent living facility. So, we are both somewhat living in the befuddlement of “What do I do with this stuff?!”

My philosophy is that when befuddled, write poetry, so here it is:

Stay or Now Go?

I rock in your chair, and lay in our bed
I sleep with your shirt on, your jacket nearby
I wander the rooms, touching the dreams
Of a beautiful life we once led

I hold in my hands the things you once touched
And ask do they stay or now go?
I hold in my hands the intimate wear
And ask do they stay or now go?
I hold in my hands the books you once read
And ask do they stay or now go?

Some things are easy, a moment of thought
Some things are hard, and wake me at night
Some things are…just things
Some have layers of memory
Some mean more to others, and less to me
Are these things you? Are they me?
Perhaps yes and yet no
And I ask do they stay or now go?

When you live in my heart in permanent estate
Do the things even matter? Do they stay or now go?
Does some of you linger on all of these things
How much do I hold, do I care?
Some day they’ll be dust, irrelevant, gone
It’s your life that must matter, not things

And yet, there is comfort, though bittersweet tears
When I touch what you touched, and wear what you wore
They do bring you close, help me feel you nearby
So, I’ll choose at least some of the things to now keep

~ Susanne Mariella Alexander, October 14, 2009

This, too, shall pass…

Love,
Susanne

Visiting and Transitioning, October 10, 2009

2009-10-10T10:22:00.006-04:00

My, I’ve gotten a bit behind in writing! On the way home from Venice, I stopped in Dayton to see my stepdaughter Michelle, son-in-law Hooman, and granddaughter Karida. We had a lovely visit. Michelle honored her father at a Bahá’í Feast meeting held at her home, bringing us both to tears. Karida enjoyed Nana’s presents, including a large box of shells for her to play with and share with friends and family. I wrote her a couple of times from Venice, including sending her a copy of Grampa’s music CD (see photo). She and I also enjoyed playing dressup together. Hooman blessedly worked on my car, touching up the paint, waxing it, and installing new brake rotors. So, busy weekend.

Entering my home again had a few emotional moments, especially going back into the prayer room that had been used as Craig’s bedroom. It helped to have visitors. My friends Brenda Maxwell Zografov and her husband Alex stopped by on their way from Bulgaria to Canada, which was a lovely treat. My sister-in-law Nancy and her husband Bob also came for a quick visit and shared my homemade chicken soup.

I’m settling back into home, which of course means making to-do lists again after not doing them in Venice! They are long ones! I’m clearing out things in the house, beginning to work again, getting over a cold, making tentative future plans, and praying a lot for guidance.

Love,
Susanne

Farewell to Venice, 9-22/23-09

2009-10-01T18:18:00.002-04:00

After being in Florida for about 6 weeks resting, grieving, writing, and having fun, it felt like time to head back north to Ohio. I delayed for a day, because my planned route was through Atlanta, which was under a deluge of rain and floodwater everywhere. And then planned a different route…
On my last day, Shirley Bascom and I visited the Audubon bird sanctuary. Few birds this time of year, but still lovely. We then headed over to the citrus farm for delicious soft ice cream cones. In the evening, Rafaella and I picked up food and headed to the Venice jetty to watch a spectacular sunset and spot dolphins. A wonderful ending to my visit.

On the 23rd, I headed north to Gainesville to meet Mary Jane (Barbee) Volkmann, who helped my husband Craig with becoming a Bahá’í in Hiram, Ohio, decades ago. Unfortunately, I forgot to take a photo of her, but she is a wonderful artist, and you can see her and her paintings on her website, www.maryjanevolkmann.com/artist.htm. We had a lovely visit and then met another friend for dinner, Lynn Weir from Canada. I spent the night at Lynn’s home. Fun to reconnect.

I made it to Dayton by the 25th, where my stepdaughter Michelle and her family live, so smooth travel and easy drive. I asked Craig to hold an umbrella over the car on the trip north to protect me from rains, especially in the mountains of Virginia and West Virginia, and felt blessed to have only occasional light sprinkles. The grey skies sure made me wish for Florida sunshine though!

Enjoy the photos!

Susanne

Field Trips – Naples and Sarasota, Sept. 19-20, 2009

2009-09-21T21:57:00.005-04:00

With winding up my time in south Florida, it was time to see family again before leaving. On Saturday, Jennifer, Frank, and Giuliana drove across from Ft. Lauderdale area and I drove south, so we met in Naples. We spent time at the Naples Zoo (with Ms. G. sleeping in the stroller the whole time) and then went for comfort food at Bob Evans. It’s not available on the other coast, and Jen and Frank were missing it!

On Sunday, Raphaella and I did an excursion to a beach that was new for both of us on Lido Key off the coast of Sarasota. Miles of beach, piles of shells, beautiful blue water…wonderful swimming among the fish. John Ringling (of circus fame) established a high class shopping area nearby in the 20’s called St. Armand’s Circle. So, we stopped and ate lunch there after swimming.

Love,
Susanne
p.s. My stepson Dave's surgery on Friday went smoothly and he was discharged on Sunday.

Creative Magic, 9-17-09

2009-09-17T17:36:00.005-04:00

It’s been an interesting week, with lots of meals and consultations with friends and kids, assessment of when to leave Venice for home (likely next week), time at the beach and pool, new work possibilities, and more.

In parallel, Raphaella and I have been listening over the last couple of weeks to a 3-CD set called Creative Fire by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. It’s had me exploring my own creativity and observing while spending time with two different painters. And, I’ve been reading books with magic in them. And experiencing almost daily thunderstorms. And reading a mystical book called The Seven Valleys. The result of the whole mix of stuff is the essay below, which was amazing to write. Enjoy!

Love,
Susanne

Creative Magic
By Susanne Mariella Alexander

What is this magic that flows from fingers, hearts, and minds? The spark of genius or illumination at the point of talent that creates something new to reach from soul to soul? What robbing, destructive words—I’m not a writer or I’m not an artist—that make the soul bleed and the magic stop?

What words are mine or the universe’s, what painting is hers or God’s, what flower is other than God’s? And yet, presented from the souls of people blessed and giving. How do I listen to what there is to write or for her what there is to paint? How easy it is to create static and noise and busyness that shuts out the precious flow. What gives us the right to ignore or demean the soul-voice within that needs our care, respect? How hard it is to shelter flowers from the storm. To let them grow and blossom, live and die. To then let the storm swirl as it must to blow the old and useless free. To feel the magic in the lightning’s jagged slash. To feel grateful that God’s in charge and lets us feel the power in the thunder’s boom. I’m restless, wondering, feeling happy, sad, angry, joyful, scared, yearning. What am I meant to conduit, what magic is latent in my fingertips? I feel the symphony crashing in my ears, the power in the thousands of blended and discordant notes.

Sometimes I trust my heart to know what words are on the way, but often my head decides the content in its place. I watch her soul pour out its journey on the canvas. I watch the flowers reach their bloom of beauty. Is there really a choice of feeling the magic and creating the spell? The swirl of the mist in the crystal ball that says the words are just around the corner? The stroke of the brush that hangs suspended in the air above the canvas? The flower waiting to burst from the tightly folded bud? Magical and mysterious the illumination of our souls, the light that shines almost in spite of us.

My heart is confused, uncertain, waiting for the words to come. There’s magic in the air tonight, love holds its fiery breath. There are elves afoot or faeries’ wings perhaps. I know not what the power really is, the fire, and yet without its touch I’m alone, forgotten, abandoned. The burn to try, the burn to dream, the burn to be in the swirl of that power. It’s part of me…and yet it’s not. Connected, integrated, and yet it’s free. Full of light, but masked when with stabs of darkest black, my will finds its way and I forget to channel.

My boat is glorying in the highest crashing waves, the sudden troughing drop, the temper of the skies. And yet there’s hope for serene waters after dawn. What spell is on my soul tonight that leaves me wondering, reaching? What words dance beyond my fingertips, tantalizing, stretching? I rarely know, the truth would say. When they are best, I just open, and they come. How could they really be “mine”? How could it be “her” painting? How could they, and the flower, not simply all be God’s? We arrogantly place our names and initials and labels, because we are trained to own. And yet, I suppose it’s also being responsible for the gifts and who they touch.

True magic is not a random act, nor can it deliberately cause harm. It simply feels and flows and reaches out. It comes, it grows, it knows. It trusts the whispered voice, the heavenly chuckle, the assertion that the Spirit-World waits impatiently…or patiently…for us to agree to accept what it so freely gives. The communing thought, the butterfly touch, the flying wings of inspiration that heaven pours. How dare we disrespect this sacred space? What must I do to soar in the “holy air of light”?

I run, I pace, I pound, I’m heavy, I’m light, I’m full of grace. I race after the dragonfly that darts just out of reach. I’m onward, sideward, backward, upside down. Sometimes I simply forget that if I pause and breathe and float and glide and be still, the dragonfly will land on me and converse in a language loftier than the clouds, achingly lovelier than an orchid, softer than a promise. I simply have to open up my heart and smile and listen and share.

I catch a glimpse, tantalizing, clear. The light seems to fill the cells of my body and the essence of my soul. My heart glows with heat and power. I hold the love so near. What is this mystery…I suppose if I knew and understood it would no longer be so magical, so dazzling, so beautiful. The wisdom of the mystery keeps my fingers on the keys instead of soaring and accepting the soaring words as enough…for now. For this is the gift. What has to go onward. It is not a shackle, although at times it feels full with heaviness. It is not the hardness of diamonds but instead the purple of royal amethysts. It is not the thorn-pathed pampered rose but perhaps the sunny daisy mixed with the courage of the spring crocuses pushing through the snow and the summer hardiness of the golden marigolds. It is the joy of the blooming mixed with the sorrow of the faded, drooping blooms. It is the perfect note held for an endless breath of time and the slash of bleeding red ink from the editor’s pen or the crumpled paint-filled page. Sometimes the inner critic sticks its killing knife into every effort and makes it hard to live while bleeding. Sometimes the pain is too much to keep on creating. It is life and death, peace and war, symphonies and endless, necessary scales. It is thrill and despair, darkness and light to write, to paint, to create. It is a choice, without a choice. It is dwelling in “the holy air of light”.

Without the ability to express, the light of love is faded, drab, and cooled. One wonders in scared moments whether creativity is gone forever. It takes faith to trust when it goes dormant that it’s only resting and germinating. To not force the light to touch the baby seeds and sprouts underneath the darkened ground. To know with complete confidence that the gift is not gone, just pausing to breathe…and becoming ready to grow. This is the challenge: to release the fear, to know there will be a time, to banish the panic, to be certain the process is wise. Because creativity is sacred, it cannot be destroyed. When something is sacred, letting it flow feels like swimming “in the sea of the spirit” and soaring “in the holy air of light”…and creating magic.

* The quotations are from Bahá’u’lláh, The Seven Valleys, pp. 27-28

Marie Selby Botanical Gardens, 9-13-09

2009-09-14T13:15:00.007-04:00

I’ve been stretching out a bit more socially. Saturday was a large Bahá’í meeting in Sarasota that I went to with Shirley Bascom from Venice. Sunday was a day with Farkhonde Edwards, a Bahá’í from Sarasota, an artist, and a widow. We spent the morning at the beautiful Marie Selby Botanical Gardens, which is famous for its orchids. I believe I saw another blue heron, too. We followed the visit to the garden with a wonderful Persian meal. Enjoy the photos. The painting on tree bark is one of Farkhonde’s creations.

Love,
Susanne

Sadness and Shells, September 9, 2009

2009-09-09T16:46:00.005-04:00

The anger with Craig’s death has surprised me, but the sadness has not. It comes and goes in intensity. The last few days have been calm and peaceful with book writing, sunrises, some editing for our kids, and light socializing. I stretched out last night and went to a larger Bahá’í meeting in Sarasota. I simply introduced myself as a friend of Roger and Shirley’s who was visiting from Cleveland. So, there were no emotional moments about why I was here…just lovely spiritual and friendly space. A little mild anxiety ahead of time, but to my relief no panic attack to stop me from going this time.

My dreams last night were full of sadness, though…about Craig initially and then another one that was about my daughter’s father having cancer (not true). I slept later than usual and awoke out of sorts. My email brought me the news that yet another family member of one of my family and friends cancer support group had passed (3 in three weeks).

I needed to take my sadness and be at the beach, so I grabbed supplies for a portable breakfast and headed to Casperson, the wildest beach locally. “My” heron was there and a dragonfly was present by my head as soon as I sat down, flying to and fro very close near me for a long time. It made me say “hi Craig!” We often commune, and in my heart/head I heard him say he loves flying and was glad to be with me. And, I teased him about never moving slowly or staying still…just like in life!

I had a lovely time collecting shells for our granddaughter Karida. After swimming, I was delighted to see a small tortoise for the first time. It seemed appropriately symbolic for me emerging from my shell! And all of that had me sitting and writing some more poetry:

The Shells of Life

Like I, the tortoise sticks her head
Out of her protective shell
Bravely venturing forth
Into a world of sand and surf and life

Each shell I gather reminds me
Of the sea of living life
Some whole and full of beauty
Some broken, battered, worn
Some beautiful on the inside
And plain on the outside
Some colorful on the outside
And plain on the inside
Some full of color inside and out

Each shell is unique
Each contributes to the richness of the sand
And each formerly held life
Like the memories of those we love or loved
Strewn across the sands of time
~ Susanne Mariella Alexander

As I began to leave the beach, my cellphone rang. It was Dave, my stepson, calling with “bad news”. His cancerous brain tumor that was removed a few months before Craig’s was diagnosed in 2007 has recurred. Oh God, this sucks! And more sadness in my heart. He’s had scans every 3 months and they have been clear. Now surgery looks imminent and life has another change and adventure. As he has been throughout, Dave is calmly confident that he will beat this and be fine. I appreciate his optimism…reminds me of his Dad. And the outcome will be whatever the outcome will be. The prayer circle has begun…guiding him through the second opinion and whatever the choices are to be made. We invite you to pray with and for our extended family, including Dave, his wife Christina, and their two-year old son Aidan.

I asked Craig how he feels about what is happening to Dave. He says he’s sad…and he couldn’t prevent it…there are greater forces at work. All he can do is be with all of us. He’s glad I cried on the beach even though he couldn’t. I’m reminded of a Bahá’í quotation that recurs often for me, “O My servants! Sorrow not if, in these days and on this earthly plane, things contrary to your wishes have been ordained and manifested by God, for days of blissful joy, of heavenly delight, are assuredly in store for you. Worlds, holy and spiritually glorious, will be unveiled to your eyes. You are destined by Him, in this world and hereafter, to partake of their benefits, to share in their joys, and to obtain a portion of their sustaining grace. To each and every one of them you will, no doubt, attain.” (Bahá’u’lláh, Gleanings, p. 329) And, still, we sorrow!

Love,
Susanne

Doing, Being, and Anger, September 6, 2009

2009-09-06T17:54:00.003-04:00

(Note: You will find it more meaningful to read the previous posting on Being vs. Doing before reading this one.)

I was encouraged by knowledgeable and caring people to spend my time in Venice emptying the vessel of grief, not get intellectual about it, cry, feel the loss, experience the anger and get it out with physical action, reflect, stay away from morbid/unhealthy thoughts, do “sweet” reading, stay as fluid as possible, follow my needs, be nurturing, stay out of action mode, be kind to myself, eat what works, immerse myself in creativity (including writing)… It’s actually a pretty tall order (dare I say to-do list?!)! I think for the most part I’ve been successful at all of this though.

But, some times I notice that I’ve slipped into getting things done and done now, going from one activity to the next, or looking for diversions. Saturday was a day like that. I got up and had to go to the pool to swim and be done by a certain time so I could get to the Venice Craft Fair by about 10 a.m. before it got too hot. On the way home, I got thinking about maybe I should run around the state and visit people all the rest of the long weekend. And then I drove past a neighbor at 15 miles over the speed limit and she used hand motions to tell me to SLOW DOWN! Okay, so I was in need of the message!

I made myself sit down at home and really check in with how I was feeling. Humph, it didn’t take long for my favorite “emotion to avoid” to arise. So, I did artwork (see photo) entitled “There Are Times When Anger Needs a Voice” followed by the poem below.

Giving Anger a Voice

There are times when anger needs a voice
But why be angry, it seems so pointless
Just disrupts my moments of serenity and joy

And yet, it’s not yet time to let go of it
It’s useful in accepting, nudging me to feel
How could you? I’m affronted!

You, of all people knew what all I’d done
To recreate myself a scant handful
Of years before and now this?!

To ask me, no tell me, no choices given
To begin again to find my place in life
To learn and try to be anew again?

I keep saying I’m pissed off
Anger not an emotion I’m wont to claim
Damn it, damn it, damn it

I pace, I race, I DO, DO, DO
And yet the anger just won’t let me BE
I hide, I smile, I ride, I hide again

But then I have to hit or punch
Or slash in bright red marker
To let the tension in my belly out

I’m mad, not glad, and some sad, too
I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna
I kick and fuss, whine and moan

For a while I can be spiritual and strong
This is God’s will, and I’m grateful
I smile, I laugh, and I’m okay

But then in some middle of the day
When I’m doing, doing, doing and having fun
The being police arrive and yell
You’re forgetting to BE, just stop awhile

I’m tired of thinking, I’m resisting being
I just want everything to be back to normal
There’s something wrong here, it’s not right

My head goes round and round
Until I feel like a coil about to break
I’m exhausted from trying to figure it all out

Should I be there, should I be here
Should I do that, should I do this
Should I, should I, should I?

How do I shut off my mind?
I’ve trained it well to think, think, think
I’m the queen of lists and analysis

I’m playing a game of saying no lists
When my desk is strewn with reminders
On scraps and scraps of bright yellow paper

Do I go, do I stay, do I run, do I stop?
I can’t even stop all the questions
I don’t want to wait for the answers

And having to wait for the answers
Makes me feel pissed off!
Again and again and again.

So, here I am again – angry at nothing
Just Craig, and God, and life
Well, maybe that’s something, I guess

~ Susanne Mariella Alexander, 9-5-09

I really do commune with Craig, God, and life on a positive, loving, spiritual plane a lot of the time, I swear! But I guess that’s not coming out as poetry at the moment…sigh.

Thanks for listening,

Love,
Susanne

Being Versus Doing, September 6, 2009

2009-09-06T17:41:00.000-04:00

I’ve had a lot of encouragement over these weeks of grieving to be in “being” mode, versus “doing” mode…by people who haven’t seen my endless to-do lists. People who have seen my lists really think this is an impossible task for me…and believe me, it is not easy. I’m sharing below a letter of encouragement and explanation of these concepts shared by John Cunningham, a long-time friend of Craig’s and mine and our meditation teacher (along with his wife Laurie) as well. I’ve spent a few days meditating on these concepts since he sent the note.

What has emerged from my contemplation is that it is possible to be in “being” mode while “doing” things…what is required is awareness in the process of my emotions and to be calm and loving while sitting doing nothing. Note John’s comment about avoiding the thought that “this is a waste of time”! Baha’u’llah in The Seven Valleys encourages us to “seek at every moment to journey from the plane of heedlessness into the realm of being”. So, I’m dancing with all of this, having times when I’m feeling very much like I’m in “being” mode and other times when I’m just human and no way to avoid the long-time patterns of Susanne!

Love,
Susanne

From John:

I have been thinking of you, praying for you and for Craig and your family – praying for your unfolding process. As I read your blog, I envision you as spending this time just being – not doing, but being. You are a doer, so in a sense what you are doing right now is just being.

Being is such a different kind of process than doing. When we do, we apply energy and direction and skills and talent and results occur. We have projects and plans and lists and tasks and actions and results and follow-up. Each step can be gratifying – make a plan, get a little shot of success feeling; take action on the plan, another shot; cross something off the list or close a completed project, a big shot (at least for me). With projects, more energy (within limits) means faster and better results. The mind is in its heyday – focus and balance and mental stimulation.

By comparison, being can seem like we are idle or wasting time. The mind asks “Ok, I’ll just be. What do I have to do to just be?” It wants to do. That is its nature. But being is the realm of the heart – the mind cannot go there. As the heart opens, the mind gets quiet, and we move into that space of just being. For me, the feeling of just being seems to emanate from my heart center and not from my head. It is wordless and spacious, connected and universal.

How quickly the mind steps in to make sense of this world of being. It will comment on the experience, define and categorize it, evaluate and interpret it. It will claim the experience as its own and take credit for it. If we believe the mind’s stories about being, we see that being disappears into the shadows of the thoughts.

Being cannot be rushed anymore than a flower can be made to bloom. Trying to rush being is like dumping water and fertilizer on the seed to try to make it bloom on our schedule. The seed is more likely to die than to make a flower under such circumstances. All we can do is prepare the soil, apply just the right amount of nutrients, and then wait for the flower to happen. We prepare the heart with prayer and meditation, slowing down and letting go, and then waiting for the heart to open - to just be.

I think that grieving can be experienced as a process of being. To do this, we must pay attention to the experience itself and not to the content of the grief. We must be present to what is happening - how our mind and body feel, to its unpleasant nature, to its impermanence - and not to the stories of loss and what-if and woe-is-me. The heart is jolted and ripped, and yet we find it is very open if we are able to stay connected with it. The intensity can be too much at times. But at other times we are able to stay with the process, sometimes even welcoming it in. If we are able to look directly at the experience of grieving, it is much easier to stay with it than when we are caught up in the content of the grief and the stories it weaves in the mind - at least this is my own experience.

Grieving is like a vapor in the air - thick and heavy at times, thin and transparent at others. It coalesces around our stories – a special place, a particular date, a certain setting. I remember about 3 years ago I was in North Olmsted after a summer storm. The road ahead was blocked off by the police. I could see that a large tree had fallen over and there was an ambulance with its lights flashing close to the tree. I immediately broke into tears, even though Janet had been gone for more than 10 years. [His sister Janet was struck by a falling tree branch and killed.]

I guess I am writing all this to you as a form of support for your process of just being at this point. Not as a project to deal with the grief, or to move on with your life, but just being. Support for you to just be with your wounded heart, your loss, your pain, your grief – as well as with your inquiry, your wonder, and even your joy as it arises. Support for you to look at each mindstate directly as it visits you. These processes of being ask only for your awareness. And while they cannot be rushed or whisked away, they can open the heart in ways that doing cannot. They have the capacity to stabilize us in the ground of being, and they beckon us to connect with ourselves at a much deeper level, at the level of nobility of which Baha’u’llah speaks. They invite us to connect with others through that same ground - to see the Noble Beings on whom our faces are painted, to see our true nature, to see God standing within each one, mighty, powerful and self-subsisting. This gift of an open and connected heart is the boundless fruit of our time spent with these transient emotions.

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, Susanne. Please enjoy the beach and the heron.

With love,
John

Circuses, Friends, and Full Moon, September 4, 2009

2009-09-06T11:07:00.008-04:00

Friday was all about relaxing and having a good time. Raphaella and I went up to Sarasota to the Ringling Art Museum, Circus Museum, and Mansion, http://www.ringling.org/. She and I toured part of the art museum and then headed to the place where the John and Mable Ringling lived while the circus was wintering in Florida. We sat outside and visualized living in such a place and what sorts of places we would be comfortable living in. This one looked too big for me! The inside though was very ornate, dark wood, and very uncomfortable looking, so we decided we liked the outside better! (see photos; Raphaella is in front of the mansion; the view of Sarasota Bay is from the terrace; the dew-covered green plants artistic shot was at the entrance)
We had the delight at lunchtime of connecting with Michael Mariano and Jenni Menon, friends of mine from Sarasota, who I just found out live in this area. Craig and I last saw them at Bosch Bahá’í School in Santa Cruz, California a few years ago. They had another friend with them (Dr. Laura D’Angelo who was visiting from Nashville). (see photo) After lunch, Jenni went back to work and the rest of us toured the Circus Museum, reliving our childhood memories of the 3-ring circus and lamenting that the next generation won’t get to experience it the same way. If you feel like watching Raphaella's 167-shot slide show of the day, you can go to this link: http://www.flickr.com/photos/heartfulart/sets/72157622273116954/show/

In the evening, Raphaella and I went to a full moon ceremony on the beach. It had the flavor of a Native American ceremony (cleansed with sage smoke, appeals to the four directions, drums, talking stick). The leader asked us as part of the ceremony to identify and let go of what is not serving us in our lives. For me it is being tethered to one spot. I’m definitely feeling the need for lightening up my material life and be wandering for a while. So, I’m visualizing what that potentially looks like, and we’ll see what manifests! The sunset was beautiful, and it was great to beat a drum and have memories of drumming with Craig and of dancing around the fire with childhood friends at Pow-Wows in Saskatchewan.

This was the most walking and most energy-expending day that I’ve had in the last weeks, so it was great to feel that it went well, and I was tired but wasn’t exhausted at bedtime. Yay! Signs of recovery!

Love,
Susanne

Where There Is Love...September 3, 2009

2009-09-03T16:50:00.002-04:00

Last night before bed, I wandered my new home and sat or spent time in places that I haven't been using! It felt a little like expanding my world. Before bed a title came to me that I knew I needed to write about. When I arose this morning, I wrote to match the title without knowing what the length or outcome would be, and what emerged was an essay with an ending that surprised me. The part of me that is very proper wants to apologize for the title, but I'm going to let it go and just invite you to read it. I also expanded my world a bit this afternoon with a small devotional meeting at Roger and Shirley's home. I cried a bit when the music and readings moved me, but it was good.

Love,
Susanne

Where There Is Love, All Farts Are Forgiven
Susanne M. Alexander

I suppose I’ve forgiven him for his farts in public, and of course any other more important misadventures, but I’m not sure I’ve forgiven him for dying. But there…I’m ahead of myself in the story.

I remember before we married looking at my approaching middle-age body and stray hairs and blemishes and being concerned that he’d find me wanting. It turned out to be totally irrelevant. He was always much better than me at looking on the inside, not the petty faults that traipsed around in everyone else’s vision…or my own.

Marriage is an intensely physical experience. Making love. Bumping hips in a tiny kitchen. Sharing the newspaper. Drinking Mandarin Orange Spice and Country Peach Passion teas. Cooking endless meals. Back rubs. Bubble baths. Digging in the yard and planting lilac bushes and bright red impatiens flowers. Yes, impatience…always we wanted to get on to the next activity, the next goal…and yet we also regularly paused for sunsets over the lake.

Oh I know that marriage is also intensely spiritual…we’ve prayed enough together and done enough spiritual things together for me to know that, too. I suppose without that right now, the insanity of his absence would actually make me feel insane. But, the absence of his physical presence is the crux of the grieving. I’m farting alone…so to speak.

Even though he’s with me spiritually, he can’t feel the sand that’s between my toes, the sun that’s on my face, the donut in my belly. He can’t massage my back for me and feel the slippery peach lotion between our fingers. He can’t smell the chicken and sweet potatoes cooking in the oven. He can’t pee, poop, or fart. He can’t wipe the tears from my eyes. Or from his own.

I carefully arrange my new home without him as if each pillow placed or trinket adjusted matters. As if he would care even if he were here. In fact it’s exactly the opposite of what would make him comfortable, he who had to be reminded to wipe his feet at the door…repeatedly.

If the spiritual is more important, why do I long for the physical? Why do I grieve the loss of the sights, touches, smells, and sounds? Why does the feel of the pain in my heart matter?

He’s flying and I’m stuck on the ground, mired in the muck of confusion and illusion. Oh, don’t get me wrong, there are moments since he’s flown on that are happy or even sublime. It’s just that it’s all so different and unreal and he’s gone. He’s out of his cage and I’m still contained in mine. He’s gone where I don’t belong. And I want to throw a five-year-old tantrum that he’s there without me. And then I’m grateful that it’s not yet my time.

I look at the stars and wonder does he see what I see? I dance on the rug and imagine him dancing with me, but does he? I do the dishes he used to do and wonder does he miss the suds on his hands that I insulate with bright yellow gloves? Does he know that they’re yellow? Does he care? No, of course not. He answers that in my head before I even write it.

It’s as if this person that I’ve lived intensely with for all these years is now someone I don’t quite know anymore. He’s doing and experiencing and living in ways that I can’t completely envision and growing in ways I can’t see. I’m angry and sad and happy and mad and struggling with envy and greed. The road to acceptance is paved with lumpy pillows and soggy tissues and lonely cups of tea.

Would you like a banana with your cereal for breakfast? Do you want me to wash your gardening jeans (please!)? How about some intimacy tonight? You’ll laugh at this comic! Will you play your flute for us tonight? Can you open this jar? I’m sad, can you please listen to me and hold me tight? The rhythm and pattern of life lived together is shattered and trampled under the weight of his leaving. And I can deny it if the picture is straight on the wall and the flowers are arranged just so.

I’m slowly straightening my body that locked in fetal position from the shock, protecting myself, figuratively going home to my mother before husband and marriage were even glimmered or dreamt. I stretch and feel pain. I walk and feel pain. I sleep and feel pain. It reminds me I’m here and he’s there or there and here both…sort of. Life is confusing and squishy…I cry in my shoes…that wander and wiggle and blend in the flow of the days.

My place in the world is confused and uncertain. Where to be, what to do, who to be. Just being is unfamiliar and at times annoying. He reminds me of our early mantra: patience, detachment, and flexibility. Important concepts that sometimes make me want to pound on the bed or shatter the china.

Does he see the sunrise, the sunset from a place without time? Does he see the beauty of the ocean and clouds in my eyes? Does he still see the beauty in my soul far better than I do? Does he know I still love him? Yes, I suppose he does. And where there is love, all farts are forgiven and so is his death.

Comforts – August 31, 2009

2009-08-31T22:08:00.010-04:00

It’s been an interesting couple of days, watching what happens to me emotionally when I try to firmly schedule things instead of just letting them flow – anxiety and stress. I tried to go to a large devotional meeting in Sarasota on Sunday and woke up in the middle of the night before with a panic attack. (Followed by being very pissed off that it happened!) I still cannot do big groups, especially ones where I know I’ll have to say over and over again why I’m down here. I am deliberately working on accepting Craig’s death by saying to people who ask me why I’m here, “My husband died on July 1 of brain cancer, and I’m here resting and grieving.” But that’s once every few days or so to random strangers at the club house pool, not 15 times in one meeting. I’ve asked myself would it be any better walking into a meeting at home where I know everyone and realizing that would be difficult too. Maybe worse, because there the question would be “How are you doing?”

I’ve been reflecting on all the things that I’m doing to be gentle and comfort myself during this difficult time. So, I’ll share some of them in this posting. It’s helpful having friends down here who are just letting me do whatever I need to do and say whatever is on my mind. Conversations with Jennifer and Michelle (daughter/stepdaughter) help, too. I sleep at night in Craig’s t-shirts next to his fuzzy jacket. I have a prayer area set up with a few things from the prayer room at home, a candle, a bowl of shells from the beach that I keep adding to, and photos of Craig and the grandkids. I’m eating well (yes, Mom!), but indulging in a few comfort foods: cinnamon-raisin bread, chocolate-covered raisins, black licorice, and potatoes. No, not all at once!

I’m doing art therapy at times, particularly with the water color paints that hospice hasn’t picked up yet! This photo is one that I did of my soul with Craig’s light surrounding me and God’s light surrounding us both. I’ve also bought a couple of my friend Raphaella’s posters (she’s an artist), one that says “Breathe” and one that says “All Is Well” and placed them where I can

see them regularly. I have books of positive sayings, grieving books, my prayer book, and a bunch of lightweight or uplifting novels, too. I have about 100 CD’s, so I play music off and on as well…often the silence is perfect. I’m still journaling too, even though doing the blog is substituting for part of it.

One piece of advice that I received this spring was to buy a couple of stuffed animals and have Craig hug them so I’d have them to hold at this stage. So, down here with me is Mrs. Empathy, Empy for short, a squeezable hippo. Craig’s jacket has displaced her in the bed, so she sits across from me in the family room and I pose her in whatever mood I’m in at the time. And hug her when the tears are falling. [Photos show calm/open, angry, and sad poses]

The abundant amount of nature experiences down here are comforting, too…whether the animals are symbolic of something or not! Yesterday a white heron visited me in the back yard. Today a sandhill crane walked across the road and then posed for me. I’ve noted how abundant the dragonflies are in the back yard, at the beach, and by the pool. Here’s a link with the symbolism for them! http://www.dragonfly-site.com/meaning-symbolize.html Late afternoon today, Raphaella and I drove the 5 minutes to the beach and spent 90 minutes swimming and finding beautiful seashells. It’s good to be here.

I’ve spent the last two days working on a book project dedicated to Craig – it will help increase the amount of service people learn to do when they attend Bahá’í study circles. So, a good fit for him, and it feels good to be writing and feeling creative…slowly and gently. When I needed a break yesterday I hit a rack of balls on the billiard table at the clubhouse – got them all in the pockets without a single scratch this time!—and jumped in the pool for a few laps.

FYI, there is now an online obituary for Craig in the American Bahá’í magazine on the national Bahá’í website. The only way to see it I think is if you have a US Bahá’í ID card as a logon. Here’s the link. If you cannot get into it and want to see it, let me know, and I’ll try to email the article to you (susanne99@gmail.com). http://www.tab.usbnc.org/Obituaries.aspx

Thank you all for your love, prayers, and support.

Love,
Susanne

Herons, Sunset, and Mini-Rainbows, August 28-29, 2009

2009-08-29T16:13:00.011-04:00

I started our wedding anniversary day yesterday with a potential list of things to do but decided to stay in the moment and flow with whatever seemed best to do (and ended up doing very little on the list!). As usual, I began with prayer and meditation. My Healing After Loss book had an interesting reflection about people of faith still needing to be able to grieve. I also said a Bahá’í prayer for marriage that included the line, “Cause them to become the signs of harmony and unity until the end of time.”

Around 8 a.m., my friend Raphaella and I headed to Manasota Beach to swim. I was immediately greeted by another great blue heron (see photo). We then swam for a while, and soon the bird flew over us honking.

On the way home, we stopped at Yummies for a bagel (her) and apple fritter (me!). Spontaneously we walked next door to a flea market and wandered looking at all the STUFF. Thankfully, I was wallet-less and resisted! It rained during the afternoon, so I just puttered, read, reflected, listened to music…

In the evening, I went for dinner at the home of my friends Roger and Shirley Bascom, both of whom knew Craig. After dinner, we went down to Casperson Beach, which is a little “wilder” than the others in the area. We sat and read a few of the readings from our wedding program, which was lovely (see the photo of the three of us…yes, I’m in Craig’s t-shirt from Hawaii). Beach sunsets were a theme for Craig and I, and so I’ve stayed away from the beach at that time since arriving. But, since God and Craig answered my prayer and it was finally not storming at sunset, I strengthened my courage and went. I’m glad friends were with me, though. It was beautiful, and, of course, I was greeted again by a great blue heron! (see photos)

As I mentioned in a previous post, this bird was Craig’s totem…but I didn’t really know what that meant. This website makes it clearer: http://wolfs_moon.tripod.com/BlueHeronTotem.html. As I began seeking to understand this animal symbol, it became clear that it was Messenger Totem for me as well: Strive for peace, balance, independence… In my encounters with the birds, they have been amazingly serene and content. And, they always make me say, “Hi Craig!”

This morning, I went down to Venice Beach for yoga. I got there early and sat watching the strong waves – the water is usually very calm. The clouds often showed brief pieces of a rainbow (which are difficult to see in the photos). I snapped a photo of Elin, our instructor, as well (www.yogawithelin.com).

And a photo of what I could see looking up while laying on my towel.

After yoga, I had a brief encounter with a man who had also been in the session. I shared about Craig, and he shared that a close friend had died in July, so we talked briefly about the process of grieving. I mentioned my hope to see a full rainbow but that there had only been pieces. He drew a heart around where I had my feet buried in the sand and encouraged me by saying “May you have rainbows in your heart.” (see photo) He clasped my hand and wandered on down the beach.

So, I made it through the anniversary period. My mother-in-law yesterday, who has been a widow for 6 years, said it will get easier. I know that is true…but this one rocked my boat quite a bit, so I’m glad to have gone through it successfully. I wrote a poem while sitting on the beach this morning:

Resilience

Yesterday’s heron-filled serenity
Gives way to white-capped surf today
And yet the eternity of the sound
Wave after wave after wave
Fills me with a deeper peace
For this is inner serenity
Hard won in moments of agony and tears
This is the morning after
That says I survived and thrived
When rainbow glimpses
Let me know that God is alive
And, blessedly, so am I
With rainbows in my heart

Love,
Susanne

Honoring Our Marriage on Our Anniversary – August 28, 2009

2009-08-28T12:19:00.006-04:00

Participating in a Married Couples Weekend, February 2003

It’s difficult – no make that impossible – to write this without crying along with letting the words flow. The last two wedding anniversaries that Craig and I had, he was in the hospital with infection surgeries. Last year he was in Intensive Care and didn’t remember later the little party we had in his room. This year Craig is probably more with me than he was last year! However, I’m still mostly commemorating the occasion by myself…with a little help from my friends. Am I feeling self-pity? Sorrow for the change in my circumstances? Pissed off that I’ve been “abandoned”!? Yes, yes, and yes. And yet, others are encouraging me to honor the good and celebrate that we actually stayed happily married for these 10 years. I can be in that frame of mind, too.

I loved Craig’s smile, his hugs, the warmth of him against my cold feet, his passion, his singing and music, his thoughtfulness in making us tea in the mornings and evenings, his enthusiasm about yard projects, his commitment to keep trying to build unity even when it seemed impossible to me, his loyalty, his steadfastness, his peacefulness…. I have been so incredibly supported and encouraged and championed in these years. Whatever work or goal I wanted to take on and do, Craig made it possible for me to try.

When we met, Craig was well known for impulsively jumping into situations. He was willing to totally shift this pattern, and we learned together how to be very proficient at making consultative decisions. He was willing to transform his relationships with his family, and working together with me, he made great progress in healing them. He had the strength and confidence and love to allow me to greatly influence him in positive directions. And I did my best to allow him to do the same for me. I’m a far better person today because of the years I spent with Craig and the gentle touch of his nature on mine.

We did many types of service to others separately, but we did many together. We loved “projects”! We realized early on in our marriage that we were both very capable people, and others asked both of us to do much. We agreed to not say “yes” to others without consultation, and we created a set of decision-making questions to help us determine whether anything we said “yes” to would have a detrimental effect on our marriage. We felt that maintaining our marriage was a primary form of service to ourselves, our families, and to others watching us be happy together. So, it was important to us to not be on overload and overly outward-focused. Balance and moderation were vital.

Craig and I were very compatible in many ways. We didn’t like watching television, preferring to read. We did not want pets in our home. We loved to pray together, and did our best to do it daily, even when one of us was traveling. We liked to be hospitable, although he was always more relaxed about it than I was able to be. He loved to give house tours, and it took some coaching for him to give me a few minutes to hide underwear or tidy up!

We were highly intentional in creating a marriage that would work for us both. Before marrying, we wrote down a list of commitments for what we wanted our marriage to look like (see below). Before these years of illness and now absence, it was our practice to re-visit our list on our anniversaries to assess whether we were on target or needed to set goals to address something that wasn’t going the way we wanted. Our biggest ongoing challenge was being too serious and having difficulty with lightening up together! One year at a marriage conference, we learned that it was vital for couples to have fun with one another to stay happily married. Once we realized that it was the responsible thing to do to have fun, we did very well with almost weekly date nights!

Doing the Marriage Transformation Project together was both a joy and a challenge (www.marriagetransformation.com). We were honestly thrilled to be making a difference for so many couples. However, we ended up using most of Craig’s vacation days traveling to do workshops. So, vacations got pretty non-existent in later years or we did runaway weekends. Gradually over time, the day-to-day passion of the project became mine more than Craig’s, and we were beginning to have consultations about whether there was another passion that might draw him more fully into participation. With the marriage project, he became primarily background support with finances and planning discussions. I wonder now what his passion will be as an angel!?

Craig and I were committed to having a happy, low-conflict, peaceful marriage, and I think we did great at achieving this. He did learn the skill of letting me know when he was upset at me. I had less trouble in that area! But both of us were good at clearing things up promptly, forgiving, and moving on. Being good at consulting and sharing together helped a lot. We had some pretty heavy issues over the years…finances, my parent’s divorce and father’s re-marriage, his father’s death, his son’s brain tumor, running a home-based business, kids living or staying with us, blending families, the parental consent for marriage process with two of our children, and finally Craig’s own brain cancer. So, it’s not that there were no issues in our lives. It’s just that we did well at facing them and holding one another as we worked through them.

Before we got married, we recognized that we were likely to have a handful of challenges living with one another. He wasn’t all that into cleanliness and thought I’d be obsessive about it. I eased up…somewhat…and also showed him lots of benefits for it, so he adjusted well J. He was concerned about my judgmentalism…well, what can I say…it’s still pretty automatic, but I’m much better now at shifting into being loving and accepting after years of his example and influence. It took time within our marriage to recognize that while Craig was very gentle and laid-back in temperament, he never liked to do anything slowly. He walked faster than me, always eager to get to the destination. I mostly learned to call him purposeful instead of impatient! But, it was a test for me at times, as we then didn’t hold hands on walks as often as I would have liked.

I suppose when I reflect on moments that I loved the best, at least those which can be mentioned publicly!, I am transported to places where we traveled and spent time. I remember our being in Hawaii early on in our marriage with our four parents. The helicopter over the lava flow, swimming with the dolphins, diving among tropical fish, jumping into enormous waves, and watching the waterfall…it was splendid. We branched off of a business trip of Craig’s and did a weekend on the Outer Banks of North Carolina by Cape Hatteras, where he got his Native American flute. We celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary at Lover’s Point near Monterey, California. We traveled to China and Florida to visit family. Later in our marriage was Israel and spending days together at the Bahá’í Shrines praying together. We recognized at that time that Craig was feeling very challenged spiritually, desperately wanting to feel more connected to God. The trip got him started on that reconnection, and the journey with cancer completed it.

We began our marriage with the struggle to re-balance after our need to be together collided with the speed at which we connected after Craig’s separation and divorce. The whole family had healing to do. Craig and I made the conscious choice to not have further children, although at times it was a sorrow to not have one together, particularly for me. We’ve done our best to love each other’s children, and that’s been good. When the first grandchild came, Karida, we were delighted to be together as grandparents. When the second one came, Aidan, both Craig’s son (the baby’s father) and Craig were dealing with brain tumors, and it was more challenging to spend time together and to bond. With the third one, Giuliana, Craig is with her spiritually, but I’m being Nana “by myself”. Craig being gone as a grandfather for both the current and the future grandchildren is a major sorrow for the kids as well as for me.

We ended our physical marriage with the family hugely healed, but with the test of Craig’s illness. We did our best as a couple to keep our marriage strong during cancer’s disruption. At times, I felt more caregiver than wife…but then taking care of his needs was part of being a wife. Throughout his cancer journey, as best as we flexibly could, we still dated, we still made love, we still consulted, we still prayed, we still moved forward with our spiritual development as people, and we still served others to the best of our ability. I then did the final physical service to him of helping his close friends with his body washing and shrouding and letting him go into the ground.

Now he’s spiritually surrounding me, in guardian angel/protector/helper mode…just as he was here, but so much more powerfully. I have moments where I feel as if I’m having a normal conversation with him. There are times when I’m floating in the ocean and feeling surrounded by sunlight that I feel the light of his soul very present. Then at other times, my own grief or periods of intense emotions get in the way of feeling him near. It’s all part of the adjustment process.

From a Bahá’í perspective, Craig and I are married for all eternity…our souls are connected because of the bond of love and friendship between us. From a family perspective, we are all adjusting to what this means. Some days I feel as if I’m still part of the blended family, and some days I wonder whether the rest of the family thinks I’m still part of them. I wonder about blood connections, marriage connections, love connections. Craig asked me to do my best to stay connected to his family, I promised to try, and I’m doing my best. Craig and I talked about whether I would re-marry (the Bahá’í teachings allow for this). We agreed to make no promises on the matter but simply to trust that the future would unfold and be clear as we went forward. He really wanted to ask me not to, though, which was simply a great testimony to how happy we have been together.

I’ve been sad this week as our anniversary approached. It’s hard doing an anniversary “alone”. I was determined not to tie grief to certain calendar dates…and here I am doing it. It’s good for me to take this time to grieve, though. It’s also good to take this time to celebrate the really extraordinary accomplishment that our marriage has been and will continue to be. I’m grateful for the family and friends who encouraged me to do this writing.

Much love,
Susanne
p.s. Here is my funeral tribute to Craig in case you missed it: www.claricomm.com/SpouseTributetoCraig.pdf

FROM OUR WEDDING PROGRAM:

Honoring Their Union: Susanne and Craig

United in mind, heart, and soul, we affirm that the intent of our relationship is to create an extraordinary family. Our commitment is to:

· Treat each other with love, honor, respect, courtesy, and integrity.
· Support and encourage each other's personal growth and transformation and the transformation of others.
· Honor and respect our own and each other's physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs and assist each other in meeting those needs wherever possible.
· Fully express and share all aspects of our selves and our lives.
· Deal with issues that arise as soon as possible.
· Be fully conscious, fully present.
· Maintain some time alone.
· Cherish, honor, and respect our children by nurturing bonds of communication and love.
· Build and maintain loving and open relationships with all family members.
· Enrich our lives with separate and mutual friendships.
· Pray separately and together daily.
· Read and deepen on the Bahá'í Writings together daily.
· Be examples of service to ourselves, each other, our families, friends, and communities.
· Be playful, have fun, and incorporate humor into daily life.
· Act with integrity in all things, particularly in our finances, our work, and our service commitments.
· Enrich our lives with the arts.
· Be patient, accepting, and nurturing, maintaining the constancy of our relationship through times of adversity and when we are not being our best selves.

Fill Thou, O God, our homes with harmony and happiness,
With laughter and delight,
With radiant kindliness and overflowing joy.

That in the union of our hearts,
Thy love may find a lodging place
And Thou Thyself may make this home of ours Thine own.
~ George Townshend

Constellations, Project, Dates & Birds – August 26, 2009

2009-08-26T15:29:00.009-04:00

This morning I did what I often do when awakening before sunrise – I walked outside to look at the stars. When I glanced to the left, I thought, oh there’s Cassiopeia. Now, since I had no clue what this constellation looked like and had never identified it before, I immediately recognized that long-time stargazer Craig had planted the thought. I ran back inside, booted up the computer, looked it up so I could be sure what I was seeing, and went back outside to check out the sky. Sure enough, of course he was right, and there it was! So, now my star recognition repertoire has grown beyond The Big Dipper and Orion! He and I then spent quite awhile communing on a variety of topics. It’s so lovely when I get my head out of the way and let the heart be engaged and this happens!
http://www.coldwater.k12.mi.us/lms/planetarium/myth/cassiopeia.html

One discussion topic with Craig was the fact that I’ve been editing the book we created in May called Empowered Healing, Creating Quality of Life While Journeying with Cancer. I wasn’t sure that it was wise to be working on it yet, but Craig affirmed that it’s timely. I shared it last night with a cancer/grieving support group at a local church, and one of the facilitators loved it. [The group was led by a couple named Mary and Joseph, and before the session began, I randomly opened up a hymnal to “Silent Night, Holy Night”…how’s that for serendipity?!]

I’m reaching out this week for more conversations and support because I’m aware that the date of our 10th wedding anniversary is approaching on Friday. I’m very much in grief mode. Everything seems to be making me cry. The massage therapist yesterday commented on how much pain I’m storing in my muscles and joints…he keeps making progress on releasing it (and so am I), but it will take months for my body to stop holding in all the pain. I went to gentle yoga on the beach this morning and floated in the ocean afterward. It’s all part of the process.

The photos with this posting are a sunset from my yard taken Monday evening – again looking at the Eastern sky, not towards the sun, and also two bird shots from yesterday morning’s trip to Manasota Beach. Apparently, the birds are from the Ardeidae family, with the white one likely an egret and the other a Great Blue Heron. http://www.mbr-pwrc.usgs.gov/Infocenter/infocenter.html This heron was Craig’s “totem”, symbolic for him. So, how lovely to be greeted by the heron on my arrival at the beach.

Love,
Susanne

Alligators and Giuliana – August 23, 2009

2009-08-23T18:26:00.008-04:00

On Wednesday the 19th, I traveled the 3.5 hours from Venice and across Alligator Alley to the East Coast of Florida to visit my granddaughter, Giuliana…oh, and of course her parents! However, I didn’t see a single alligator either coming or going through the Everglades. They have the whole highway fenced off from the swamp…so it was actually pretty tame from my position!

My daughter Jennifer was on antibiotics for a post-c-section infection, so she and the baby had unhappy digestive systems. They have promised me that eventually I’ll have a visit with them when everyone is feeling well! However, it was still good to visit and hold the baby, who, of course, has grown and changed since I last saw her a month ago. I also swam, helped Jen and Frank with their new website (http://www.career-search-and-more.com/), did artwork with Jennifer, had a Jin Shin Jytusu energy balancing treatment (http://www.jsjinc.net/), and visited and ate pizza with Frank’s family. I came home yesterday (Saturday).

I needed to be back in quiet space…I’m still finding it challenging to spend extended time with people. I got up this morning before dawn and headed to the beach for sunrise and swimming. Beautiful! I sat in a beach chair for a while and chuckled along with a wonderful book called God Loves Laughter. Did you know that E. E. Cummings once wrote, “The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”?

Then I came home with goodies from the bakery, ate breakfast, and napped. This afternoon I finished up a handout for a colleague who is presenting a relationship workshop at a Bahá’í School in Tennessee. I know, I’m not supposed to be working. But, just a little bit here and there.
Enjoy the photos!

Love,
Susanne

Energy and Grieving – August 16, 2009

2009-08-16T12:42:00.012-04:00

A lot of the reason I’m here in Florida is to help me recover from being so exhausted. I notice that I feel as if I have ADD-Attention Deficit Disorder. I can stay focused for only brief periods on topics and activities and conversations and then I’m wandering or exhausted. I understand that this is a normal part of grieving, or I would worry about its permanence.

I have times of feeling very happy – swimming, visiting with friends, enjoying the sunshine. Shirley (Bascom – my hostess here) snapped a photo of me yesterday out on the jetty at Venice Beach, and I’m clearly happy. But if the film could re-wind, the night before I was watching an old video of Shadowlands, a movie about the late-in-life romance of C. S. Lewis, and sobbing when his bride dies of bone cancer. Or, fast forward the film to yesterday when I accidentally spilled water all over the bills and checks I’d just opened and sorted, and I ended up pounding the bed in anger. Of course it was really about Craig no longer being around to pay the bills! I’m allowing the range of emotions to flow, as I’m told it is part of the healing process (and trusting what I’m told and feeling!). But, sometimes I wonder whether the keel of my boat will ever even out again in calm waters. The movie included the theme that happiness and pain are always mixed, and it seems to be so.

Yesterday evening around 5:30 I ended up at the beach just as a rainstorm occurred. But, I waited a few minutes for it to pass and was able to swim. Many of us were in the 90-degree water, in spite of the threatening clouds. The danger flag was up, but there was no lightning, so the lifeguard let us be. I noticed that I had to call on Craig for courage to be able to enter and then relax in the water. He would love the drama of the sea and sky and not worry so much as I tend to!

This morning I awoke early around 5:45 a.m. and wandered outside in front of the house (it’s in the 70’s at night here). As I stepped out, I immediately said, “Oh, Craig!” He was always a stargazer and taught me to recognize Orion, which was brilliant next to a quarter moon. I got a chair and cup of black cherry herbal tea and sat until the sun came up to the rooftops around 7:15.

About 8:30 after breakfast, I went to the clubhouse here in the subdivision and challenged myself to a round of pool/billiards. I sank all balls (8-Ball last) in about 15 minutes with only 4 scratches, so not bad for not having played in a long, long time! I then jumped in the swimming pool next door and came home for a nap. It all sounds very vacation-like, and yet my body feels even after the nap as if I’ve worked hard all day. I’m wondering how long it’s going to take to feel rested up from the last two years?

Love,
Susanne

Simple Pleasures - August 13, 2009

2009-08-14T13:26:00.012-04:00

Continuing my sojourn in Venice, Florida (likely here until the end of September)...

I began this morning with the wondrous experience of a free and gentle group yoga session on Venice Beach with enough rain clouds over the ocean in front of us that a double rainbow formed and stayed throughout the one-hour session. Double rainbows are a symbol for me of love, marriage, and partnership, and Craig and I saw one together in June of 2008. Seeing this one was a touch of heaven (although unfortunately I didn't have my camera with me!). I swam in the ocean afterwards and let my salty tears of missing Craig blend with the greater body of saltwater. It was good to recognize that I didn’t have an ocean of tears within me to let out! It was good to swim by myself…and yet yesterday it was good to swim with a friend (I helped Raphaella at the age of 62 swim in the ocean for the first time – see her blog posting: http://heartfulart.blogspot.com/ - Aug. 12 posting; check out her art too, at http://www.heartfulart.com/lart.com/ – it’s wonderful) She, Craig, and I all met at the 2007 Smart Marriages Conference, where we both had booths, and she moved to Venice 10 months ago.

On my way home, I stopped at Yummies Bakery and savored the crisp, cinnamon-bursting, and juicy taste of a fresh apple fritter. It immersed me in memories of going to the apple farm with Craig. One of my concerns about coming to Florida to retreat was that there would not be enough triggers to help me express my grief and help me feel the joy of our marriage. So much for that!

Today I’ve seen new wildlife – sand hill cranes and my first armadillo ever (see photo). A rabbit visited me off and on all day in the front yard, too. I hear there are wild pigs and alligators in the neighborhood…I’m glad to meet the tamer wildlife instead!

The evening ended with a spontaneous trip to Scoops ice cream. I “kidnapped” Raphella and we indulged in homemade creaminess. I’m realizing that both because my nature is often “planner” vs. “spontaneity” and there were so many time strictures over the last two years with Craig, that I need to spread my wings a little in this area. So, it was fun. The sunset coming home from dropping her off was spectacular, although the photos I took were of the sky away from the sun and sunset on the east sky (see photos). Sometime soon I’ll go watch it at the beach (I’m on the west coast, so sunsets are the focus vs. sunrises), but doing that experience without Craig will mean more tears, and…not this evening.

I picked some flowers from the garden to bring in to lift my spirits at my desk. In front of my computer is a stylized sailing ship—Craig often dreamed of sailing on one of these.
(see photo)
So, it was a good day filled with loveliness, with a long nap in the middle!

Love,
Susanne

Manning the Oars - August 12, 2009

2009-08-13T12:47:00.002-04:00

After my husband Craig transitioned from this physical world to the next stage of his soul’s journey, I talked to family members about whether to continue posting to the blog he and I had done for two years. The input was that I should stop doing so. For these last weeks, I have been writing Dear Craig letters in a journal instead.

There are aspects of this journey of grief and loss that are very personal and the private work of my soul. However, much of this process of change I can share. And, through an intuitive friend last week, Craig requested that I post occasional blog messages so that people who have followed our journey will know how I’m doing. I’ve decided to begin a new blog though instead of continuing to post to the one Craig started. The same friend also shared with me that Craig has been assigned the joyful task of being of direct service to me and those he loves for about the next year and that he is so happy to be able to continue his life-long journey of being of service to others.

The “boat ride” image of this blog came from a session I had with another intuitive friend who described my journey over the next few months as being like a boat on the ocean that will sometimes experience some very stormy seas. She assured me that the boat will not tip over, however! Alternatively, she also described it in pregnancy and births terms – as a fertile germination period in my life, and the birth will be in 9 months or so after Craig’s passing. This is also a nine-month Restoration Project for my energy!

It is my impression and observation that becoming widowed often makes people become non-functional. Through the grace of God and the help of many people, I feel more prepared for it than people often are, am rebellious enough to be unwilling to fall into a standardized pattern, and am confident that all of this is God’s will and that I have not “lost” Craig. As a family, we were all very “complete” with Craig’s passing, with little in the way of regrets or guilt. And yet, of course, there is unavoidable and necessary grieving.

Over this six weeks since Craig physically left me, my greatest challenges have been what I knew ahead of time would be difficult: learning how to communicate with him and adjusting to the absence of physical talking and touch. I’ve also struggled with physical exhaustion and learning how to release the grief…and how to recognize and allow occasional times of anger. Craig’s bedroom has been turned back into a prayer room, so when I’m there and wherever else I am, I’m learning to have intuitive conversations with him, ask for his help, and increase the amount of prayer and meditation I’m doing as points of connection. I’m grateful for the assistance of intuitive friends who help me get better glimpses of how and what Craig’s doing (and then, of course, I have moments of getting pissed off that they can communicate with him in ways that I can’t!).

The day after the graveside service on July 3rd, I drove to Toronto with my brother and sister-in-law to see my mother for a few days. On July 14th, I flew from Cleveland to Ft. Lauderdale to joyfully see my daughter pregnant (her constant nausea and Craig’s illness prevented our seeing one another for months). On July 16th, my granddaughter Giuliana was born via c-section, and I was able to stay for the first week of her life. The timing of Craig’s death allowed this all to happen, and I am grateful I could be there.

I was amazed at the constant tasks that follow someone’s death that I’ve tackled in these weeks as well. Thank you and personal acknowledgement notes (great for triggering necessary tears!), Social Security office, banking, life insurance claims, ordering the gravestone, visits to the cemetery, and on and on… My exhaustion from taking care of Craig simply increased.

My body, heart, mind, and soul needed time to stop and rest and recoup some level of energy as well as focus on the grieving process. So, I’ve left home for a few weeks to stay alone at a loaned home in Venice, Florida, close to the beach [any burglars reading this should know that someone is living at my home in Cleveland in my absence!]. So, I’m resting, beaching, swimming, reading, writing, painting, and whatever flows around for me to do. I have friends nearby when I need them, but I’m keeping social things at a minimum.

I’m going to close here with two things that have been very comforting to me as I learn how to have a marriage with Craig while he is physically absent. This is a story about ‘Abdu’l-Bahá’s response to a grieving wife: “If you have a bed of lilies-of-the-valley that you love and tenderly care for, they cannot see you, nor can they understand your care, nevertheless, because of that tender care, they flourish. So it is with your husband. You cannot see him, but his loving influence surrounds you, cares for you, watches over you. They, who have passed into the Divine Garden, pray for us there, as we pray for them here.” (Lady Blomfield, The Chosen Highway, p. 215)

The second came from my session that I mentioned earlier that included the boat ride description: “Craig is surrounding you, not just near you, but surrounding you. The love that you have felt from him in your collective relationship is like a ball of light--it is protection for you, it is a continuum around you, it opens doors for you in the future when you need them. He is there. His resources are multiple and many and ready. And you need to know it.”

So, I cry and smile and watch the butterflies, dragonflies, and birds and see them as symbols of Craig’s flight to the Kingdom. There is no real separation between us and the separation is “temporary”…at least I’m doing my best to keep the faith that this is so!

Love,
Susanne